>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
January 12, 2005

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Indonesia Wants Foreign Troops Out

Indonesia told foreign troops helping tsunami victims to get out of the country soon and defended tough new restrictions on aid workers, while rich nations prepared to freeze Jakarta's debt repayments.

“Seriously, put down those food rations and LEAVE. We can take care of this ourselves,” said Indonesia, over the cacophonous cry of a destroyed peoples.

Vice President Yusuf Kalla said foreign troops should leave tsunami-hit Aceh province on Sumatra island as soon as they finish their relief mission, staying no longer than three months.

He's not only vice president, he's also the minister of tourism. That's right, the world's worst minister of tourism.

“Three months are enough. In fact, the sooner the better,” Kalla was quoted by the state Antara news agency as saying.

This man also said “the wetter the better” 3 weeks ago, so….who can trust him right?

The armed forces of Australia, Japan, Malaysia, Singapore and the United States have all rushed task forces to Aceh in the wake of the December 26 disaster which killed at least 106,500 Indonesians out of a total of more than 159,000 deaths in Asia.

And Aceh would like to greet them all with a hearty “Get the fuck out.” And a “Seriously, like… now. Get the fuck out right now.”

United Nations officials struggling to coordinate a massive relief operation have welcomed their participation, particularly to deliver aid to isolated coastlines accessible only by sea or air. But their presence in Indonesian territory has been a sensitive issue for the world's largest Muslim-populated nation which has traditionally kept foreign military, particularly the United States and Australia, at arm's length.


“Foreign troops are no longer needed,” he said.

I believe the musical Little Shop of Horrors said it best. “I've given you sunshine, I've given you rain. You've given me nothing, but heartache and pain. I'm beggin' you sweetly. I'm down on my knees. Now please, Grow for me.” Grow up Indonesia. FOR ME!

Analysts have said they believe the government move was an attempt to reassert the military's control over the province, an accusation the government has denied.

Oh is that what Analysts have SAID they believe? If I wanted my news stories to be vague I would have read the Seattle Post Intelligencer! AND NO! I DIDN'T DOUBLE CHECK TOSEE IF THAT'S THE ACTUAL NAME OF SEATTLE'S NEWSPAPER THANK YOU!

Indonesian troops have already begun accompanying United Nations missions to help victims of the tsunami and liaison officers are to be posted on the scores of foreign navy ships and military and civilian aircraft bringing in thousands of tonnes of emergency supplies.

Give a man a fish, he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish, he asks you to get out of his province, they don't need foreign help anymore…especially from the Western

Despite statements from Free Aceh Movement rebels, known as GAM, pledging the safety of volunteers, Welfare Minister Alwi Shihab said the government was concerned attacks on aid staff could scare off foreign assistance.

It just makes you think… “Sure the word for FREE in Indonesian begins with the letter G, but what could that G actually stand for…” *Squints* *Farts*

Margareta Wahlstrom said relief work was progressing at a comparable pace to other tsunami-hit countries, given that the scale of destruction in Indonesia was so much greater, but that was still not fast enough.

Wahlstrom a-way a-gain, in Margarita-ville. Lookin' for that, lost shaker of sa-alt.

“There are a lot of resources, many organisations here. What we have to do is ensure better interfacing. That's our priority. Things need to move a little faster,” she said.

Hey, you spelled ORGANIZATIONS wrong, Wahlstrom! Ahahaha, next time pronounce it better, bitch! Ahahaha.

“I don't see these as restrictions. They are not saying you cannot go. They are saying, let us know when you go,” Wahlstrom said.

They are saying, “Leave us a note when you leave, lock the door, and don't forget to turn off the light in the hallway. Energy bills are skyrocketing.”

Indonesia's foreign debt comes to about 132 billion dollars, and the country is looking at three billion dollars in payments this year to service that debt.

You gotta be a pretty big dick to get mad about them not paying that three billion dollars. “Yes, I saw it on the news. But that's no excuse. Just write us a check or something. (Pronounced ‘write us Aceh-k or something.')”

In Sri Lanka, an aid package estimated at about three billion dollars was being worked out as the island seeks to recover from the disaster which left more than 30,000 dead across the country.

If only those 30,000 dead were each made out out of 100 dollar bills, this wouldn't be a problem at all.