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And now, the harrowing conclusion to my excursion across this great land of ours as I make my way from Cincinnati, Ohio to Los Angeles, California.

DAY TWO (cont'd)

6:03 a.m.

I'm pulling off in Albuquerque, New Mexico, which seems like as good a place as any to rest my weary head for a few hours. I would comment on the beauty of the state of New Mexico but I've reached a point of delirium in which I can't tell whether I'm seeing an actual coyote or just a sign for El Coyote, central Indiana's Hispanic news publication.

6:14 a.m.

After the third round of "Rocket Man," I feel like I may have actually transformed into a 45-year-old gay man. The guy at the hotel registration desk tells me that, even though I will only be staying a few hours, I will still have to pay for an entire day. I tell him I don't care. I will pay $300 to sleep on the lobby floor if that's what it comes to.

12:26 p.m.

I wake up disoriented, naked and in a pool of my own drool—so basically how I wake up every morning. I fight off the urge to go back to sleep, as I know I must press on.

12:43 p.m.

I have successfully checked out of the hotel and am looking forward to a solid day of driving, with a plan to stop only for gas and urination. Oh, a Denny's! Detour!

Denny's Grand Slam breakfast

1:07 p.m.

Amped up on coffee and fueled by the guilt of having single-handedly eaten an entire Grand Slam breakfast, I finally hit the road.

3:33 p.m.

I've made it into Arizona and have officially listened to my Elton John's "Greatest Hits" CD five times in a row. After the third round of "Rocket Man," I feel like I may have actually transformed into a 45-year-old gay man.

4:52 p.m.

I'm seeing a lot of advertisements for turquoise. You know, that semi-precious stone that the Indians love so much. It's like diamonds to white people. Or fried chicken to black people.

7:04 p.m.

Ah yes, the Hoover Dam. Fun fact: the Hoover Dam was named after Brad Hoover, a fullback for the Carolina Panthers. Naturally, I stop by the dam gift shop to buy some dam souvenirs, as this is my first visit to a dam site.

8:49 p.m.

A luminous bubble of light hovers in the distance and I wonder if perhaps I've found Heaven. As I get a little closer, I see a bright sign beaming the words "Live Nudes" and I realize yes, I have found Heaven—or as some people call it, Las Vegas. Seems like an excellent place to rest for the night.

Fabulous Las Vegas sign


1:12 p.m.

After a night full of boozing, gambling, and picking up hookers off the strip, I awake refreshed and rejuvenated. I decide to do a bit more gambling before heading back on the road.

3:34 p.m.

Wow, I hit the jackpot on the penny slots and am now $8.75 richer. I know what most of you are thinking, but don't worry, I'm still going to be the same old Ashley; the money won't change me. Although, I will be honest, don't come crawling to me for money, because I'm not going to give you any.

4:57 p.m.

I've officially made it into the state of California. I instantly feel more attractive just by crossing the border.

7:52 p.m.

Much like when I happened upon Las Vegas, I see a hovering beam of light as I approach the city of Los Angeles. Only this time, I'm pretty sure it's just the lights of the city reflecting off the smog.

8:02 p.m.

Traffic on the 405 freeway at 8 p.m.? This must be some kind of fluke.

Los Angeles traffic on the 405 highway

8:17 p.m.

I have moved approximately three feet in the past fifteen minutes.

8:56 p.m.

Since it's illegal to use a handheld cell phone and text while driving in the state of California, I wonder how people entertain themselves in LA while stuck traffic. I wonder if it's illegal to masturbate while driving.

9:02 p.m.

It is.

10:24 p.m.

I've done it; I made it to my new apartment here in Los Angeles, land of the stars and sunshine. I can't wait to begin trying to break into the entertainment industry. Bets on how long before my dreams are crushed and I move back to Ohio!

Celebrities are just like us, only better.