In case it wasn't painfully obvious from my profile picture, I'm white. I could, much like the rest of my fair-skinned race, make the ridiculous argument that my ancestry somehow makes me a minority. For instance, that I'm actually 1/16th Cherokee on my father's side, in an attempt to seem somewhat exotic (something that white people crave). In reality, however, the closest I come to showing any signs of my Native American heritage are the three pieces of turquoise jewelry I own. Oh and when I get drunk, I do a pretty convincing rain dance. Well, it's not a rain dance so much as me flailing my arms around and screaming gibberish, but because I wear a headdress while doing it, people seem to buy it as a rain dance.

White people love technology. Anything that allows us to spend even less time engaging in actual human interaction, we're all for it.I'm just gonna say it, though: white people have it pretty easy. I'm not saying it's fair or right or that we're any better than any other race. We're not. There are some things that we will never be able to do: dance, listen to gangster rap without looking like giant douches, or know what the hell we're talking about on Telemundo. Also, if Woody Harrelson taught me anything, aside from knowing how to properly roll a joint, we can't jump either.

Because we do sort of have an automatic "Get Out of Jail Free" card for no other reason than our pale, pasty skin, I always find it funny that white people complain about everything. EVERYTHING. I've worked in the customer service industry for about a decade now, so I feel like I'm a pretty good authority on complainers in general. I've even gone so far as to put together this chart for you, detailing my findings:

Graph of white people complaints

In addition to this chart, I've also compiled a list of five legitimate complaints I've heard over the years from white people, both in my professional and personal life.

1. "My Facebook page is taking too long to load."

White people love Facebook. While we condemn stalking and voyeurism when other people do it, we will not hesitate to track down exes, former classmates, co-workers and what have you on Facebook to see what they look like now, where they're working, or how many sheep they have on Farmville (I don't actually know what the hell Farmville is, but I assume it has something to do with animals). Because all of this information is readily available to us online, we don't feel like it is stalking or voyeurism.

Facebook status updateWhite people also love showing these same exes, former classmates, co-workers and what have you how much better we are than them. We love posting pictures of our children, pictures of our weddings, and pictures of our homes just to show you how shitty your life really is. Seriously, you might as well just end it all now. We also love updating our statuses with completely trivial information we think is important and that people really want to know and read.

So you can imagine how frustrating it is to us when our Facebook pages take a ridiculously long time to load.

2. "There's too much foam on my latte."

As a Starbucks barista in a predominantly upper-class white area, I am no stranger to the most ludicrous requests and complaints you've probably ever heard:

  • "This tastes like decaf, are you sure you didn‘t hit the decaf button?"
  • "Are you sure you used non-fat milk?"
  • "You're telling me that you're out of Splenda? How are you out of Splenda?"
  • "Your parking lot sucks."
  • "I want a cup of coffee with cream, but not too much cream. Like, the color of Halle Berry."

Starbucks latte captionOne woman complained that there was too much foam on her latte, so I took all the foam off and put more milk in. She returned saying that there was still too much foam on her latte. I took off the rest of the foam and gave it back to her. She stared at it then said, "Why don't you just go ahead and remake it?" Lady, why the hell didn't you just ask for no foam to begin with?

A lot of these wealthy white women come in several times a day for no other reason than having nothing better to do, and I think we, the baristas, are the only human interaction they have between the hours of 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. because their husbands are off at work and their children are at school or with their nanny. Or their husbands and their nannies are off banging each other and the wives know this and feel the need to take out their passive-aggressive anger on me. But really, if having too much foam on your latte is your biggest concern during your day, then I think you're doing pretty okay for yourself.

3. "Oh man, Two and a Half Men is a repeat again!"

White people love watching generic half-witted sitcoms, particularly ones where the husband is an unattractive slob who is inexplicably married to a hot woman. For example, According to Jim. Or King of Queens. Or Everybody Loves Raymond. Or Still Standing. Or Rules of Engagement. Or Modern Family. We're also willing to overlook it if, say, the lead actor on America's number one comedy is arrested on charges of domestic violence, including second-degree assault for pulling a knife on the mother of his children on Christmas Day because he was high out of his mind on cocaine (allegedly).

Charlie Sheen getting off easy by a police officer

As long as he's white, of course.

4. "My iPhone 4 broke."

White people love technology. Anything that allows us to spend even less time engaging in actual human interaction, we're all for it. Not only do we love technology, but we use it as a gauge of our own and other people's success in life (which probably explains why I own a shitty phone that turns itself off and texts people on its own randomly, and why my television is 10 years old and the picture is progressively turning more and more purple).

Allow me to expand on this:

Bill and Steve are neighbors. They live in a suburb (where the suburb is isn't important, as most white people live in suburbs that look identical to each other). Bill and Steve's houses have exactly the same floor plan, but Bill has a red door while Steve has a blue door—this is the only attempt at individuality in white people suburbs. Bill buys a brand new 55-inch plasma television. Steve, seeing Bill's new television, goes out and buys a 60-inch plasma high definition television. Steve believes that, because he has the bigger television, he is the more successful of the two. Oh and also there's a penis metaphor in there somewhere.

My point being: a broken iPhone 4 is still better than no iPhone 4 at all.

5. "Billy Jr. didn't make the football team."

Amy Poehler posing as a cool momBecause most of us go on to live extraordinarily dull lives, gain 40 pounds, and live in the suburbs, we begin to live vicariously through our children.

Nothing is ever our fault, either. If Billy Jr. gets a bad grade on a test, it's because his teacher doesn't like him. If Billy Jr. doesn't make the soccer team, it's because they gave his spot to some black kid and we claim reverse discrimination. If Billy Jr. knocks up some 16-year-old girl from his class, then the girl's a whore and she had it coming.

Our children's successes are in direct correlation to our own, so if our kids fail at something, we fail at something. This goes along with the technology complaint, which is why a lot of white kids have ridiculously expensive cars that they will wreck and ridiculously expensive phones that they will break—because it makes us look better if our kids have nice things. And also, we're so busy watching our 55-inch plasma high definition televisions to pay attention to our kids anyway, so we have to buy their love and affection somehow.

As you can see, being white has its own set of issues. Yes, these issues are absurd and ludicrous (and any person of any other race would kill to have this same set of issues), but these are the types of problems white people have. Now, if you'll excuse me, my iPod touch screen has been acting up and I really must go get it fixed.

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