Whenever I think about porn, I first consider the barriers that our fathers and grandfathers had to overcome in order to gain access to masturbatory materials. I know what you're thinking: "Atlas, the first thing that pops into your mind when you think about porn is not vaginas or tits or the screaming of ‘fuck my pussy!' but rather your paternal ancestors' struggles to masturbate?" I know it may seem odd, but they deserve some respect. They basically went through the Great Depression of Porn—I mean, they were probably beating off to the underwear section of the Kohl's catalog for all I know. I consider myself lucky—as should all of you—to have access to the New Deal of Porn: the Internet.
There's no place like home(made porn).Like many guys my age, I have explored said Internet, and now regard myself as something of a porn aficionado. (I can't speak to girls and porn-watching. I recently had a conversation with a girl who estimated that 60% of girls masturbate, and that less than that watch porn. Once you factor out Mormons, I would estimate that 100% of guys masturbate, and 100% watch porn.) Anyway, I've seen it all: MILF, Asian, BDSM, midget (midget on 300-pound woman is absolutely hilarious—it's like a whale having sex with a plankton), bukkake, lesbian, etc. And now I'm here to put out a message—a plea, if you will—decreeing the best porn genre: homemade.
The shortcomings of homemade porn are nothing compared to the atrocity that is professional porn.Homemade porn is just the bee's knees. It's so raw, and gritty, and in-your-face—it's like the Anderson Cooper 360° of porn. (As an aside, I'm pretty sure Anderson Cooper watches a different kind of porn than I do. And by different I mean gay man-sex.) It's not manufactured, and it's authentic. Yes, Jenna Jameson is nice, but once in a while, don't you want to see some real poon getting railed?
Of course, as with any great entity, there are a few drawbacks. Let's just get those out of the way now:
- The ass angle. One of my favorite things about amateur porn is the fact that there's only one angle shows it's genuine. Unfortunately, sometimes that angle consists only of balls and male asshole. All you hear is a constant slapping while you watch a ballsack flopping around. Not a pleasant experience.
- Camera on the guy. Sometimes, there can be more than one angle, if, for instance, the man is holding a hand-held camera as he bangs the chick. Every once in a while, though, the guy will, for some ungodly reason, hand the camera to the girl. Now you're in the middle of a beat-off, and you're staring at the face and chest of a sweaty dude. Try and erase that image from your brain.
- The girl's not into it. Let's face it—the chicks in these videos aren't porn stars. They're not getting paid for what's being done to them. Some of these women probably just got off a long day of work, and now their boyfriend wants to fuck , and—god damnit, why is he taping us again?! So they're not always as passionate as we might like them to be. It's like the guy is banging a pillow (pillow porn is probably going to be a new fetish).
- Finally, sometimes homemade porn is too funny to be sexual. I was recently watching a video where the condom fell off inside the girl. Enraged, she started slapping the guy. She then ran out of the room, only to reappear with a fly-swatter and continue to beat him. Another clip I once watched involved a guy fucking a girl in the back of a frat party. He put the girl into a head-stand position, and continued to bang her. Someone walked past the room and yelled, "Oh, no! Not the pile-driver!" At that point, I started laughing hysterically. And it's kind of hard to masturbate when you're giggling uncontrollably (although this could be disputed by my actions while watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High).
But the shortcomings of homemade porn are nothing compared to the atrocity that is professional porn. First of all, it's fake. The breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming—fake, fake, fake, fake. And it's not even like they're good actors. As for the plot lines, don't even get me started. Take "Who's Nailin' Paylin?" for example. Two Russian guys cum come to her house, so she just decides to fuck them? Get real. If I were the writer for that porn (and I'll be honest, porn writer is a possible career path for me at this point), I would have maybe had a storyline where Palin goes after her daughter's baby-daddy. Of course, her daughter discovers what's going on. But instead of getting angry, she joins in the fun. And now we have a mother-daughter scene. As Kenny Bania would say, that's gold!
Here's what I'm trying to tell you: homemade porn is simply the tops. The people in these videos are in love (or at least drunk), and they're performing a beautiful act. And if that act happens to make me want to rub one out, so be it. Listen, I understand if you're not comfortable jumping into amateur porn right away. It's all I ever watch now, but it's understandable that you need to ease your way in. That's OK. Think of your entry into the homemade world as an exercise plan. For the first week, start with half professional porn and half homemade porn. Each week, increase your homemade porn intake by 10%. Make it a gradual process. I assure you that you will be pleased.
So now you're wondering: where do I go to find this amazing genre of porn? Well, since this is my first column, I'm not really comfortable linking directly to pornographic content. But I will say this: my favorite website has the word "homemade" in it. And the word "fuck." And the word "videos." In that order. Followed by a ".com." And if you're a girl who's reading this and wants some stimulatory material, my picture is at the top of the page.