>>> The Strumpet's Trumpet
By staff writer Allison Parks

January 27, 2008

Valentine’s Day! A day for couples to go on romantic rendezvous, and a day for singles to wear all pink and grab random asses at Downtown Joe’s. A joyous time when Target is full of splendid pink and red merchandise. A magical day for all! Except one. Sarah. A little lady with poorly-behaved boyfriends who have caused numerous tales of Valentine’s doom.

The following are accounts of Sarah’s V-Day massacres. The names have NOT been changed in order to protect you, the reader, from dating these dirty bastards.


Location: Sonoma, CA? Chico, CA? Rehab?
Current Age:
Dated for:
7 months

“Jonathan nudged Sarah and bellowed, Pay up, Pork Rhine. You owe sixty dollars.”

Ryan appeared to be the perfect BF. He was handsome and behaved as if he was Sarah’s love slave. He showered her with lavish gifts, drove her to and fro, and seemed to overlook Sarah’s poor grasp of fashion and grooming that plagued her high school years.

But on February 14th, his conduct took a turn for the worse.

Ryan arrived 3 hours late after stopping off at Longs Drugs to purchase one bag of peanut M& Ms and a stuffed wiener dog wearing a red sweater that read, “I love you this muuuuch.” And, although Ryan claimed his love was as vast as a wiener dog is long, he soon developed a fictitious case of diarrhea and left to spend Valentine’s Day with the girl he was cheating on Sarah with, who also happened to be named Sarah. The wiener dog is now in my possession.


Location: Sacramento, CA? Possibly deceased or incarcerated.
Current Age:
Dated for:
11 months

How does one describe Jonathan? Drunk? Portly? Violent? Perhaps the modern day equivalent of John Belushi in Animal House? The good thing is that he never behaved well, so Sarah wasn’t expecting much on their first Valentine’s Day together.

She made things easy on him by organizing a group date with two other couples at a semi-fancy restaurant. The girls all arrived together to find their gentleman callers sitting at the bar. They each had a cocktail, but Jonathan was the only one who was hunched over the bar, visibly shit-faced and leering at another women’s hooters.

The three young men walked up to greet their ladies. The other girls’ boyfriends each handed them a lovely bouquet of roses; Jonathan however, lumbered up to Sarah empty-handed, slapped her on the back and hollered, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Fatty!” so loudly that the restaurant fell silent. The irony of this remark was that Jonathan happened to be pushing three bills and his gut trembled as he slapped Sarah's back. The group pretended not to notice this awkward scene and hurried to the table.

Everyone had a nice dinner until the bill came. The other two men each put down their portion and their girlfriend's portion of the bill.
Jonathan nudged Sarah and bellowed, “Pay up, Pork Rhine. You owe sixty dollars.” Sarah didn’t have the money so she walked seven blocks in the pouring rain
to find an ATM. She returned soaking wet quite a while later and shamefully placed her money on the table.

From there they went bar hopping, and when everyone was good and squiffy, Jonathan stole flowers from a street vendor who chased them down the street shrieking Arabic threats.

*Sarah would like it to be noted that Jonathan's poor behavior cannot be blamed on booze, as his conduct was just as atrocious while sober.


Location: Alameda, CA
Current Age:
Dated for:
10 months

Matt was 26 years old, living with his parents and spending most evenings shit-faced, watching porn and singing country songs in his twin bed. He was known as “Alameda’s biggest drunk.” But, despite these negatives, Matt was very handsome and Sarah liked him a great deal more than the other two bozos.

When Valentine’s Day was approaching, she spent three weeks picking out his presents. On the big night, Sarah got all dressed up, assuming Matt was going to take her out. Matt showed up at her apartment looking very tired and promptly climbed into her bed, knocking his gifts on the floor and mumbling, “I’m too tired to go out.” He then fiddled around on his laptop for a few moments before passing out into a deep slumber.

Sarah kindly picked up his laptop so he wouldn’t knock it on the floor, and as she did, she happened to glance at the screen. To her bewildered horror, she saw that he had just Googled “Patricia Heaton cum shot.” Honestly, she knew he was a fan of Everybody Loves Raymond, but lusting after Patricia Heaton? It’s just so bizarre. Then she typed P into the Google search box, and saw the following list of previous searches appear on the screen: Patricia Heaton topless, Patricia Heaton sex, Patricia Heaton tits, Patricia Heaton penetration. It was horrifying. She spent the rest of the night crying, and G-Chatting with the guy who would become her next BF.

*Sarah and the author would like it to be noted that Everybody Loves Raymond is a pile of shit and they both detest Raymond in equal measure.

(no, Sarah didn’t go to the land of fur burgers, Lindsey is indeed a man)

Location: San Francisco, CA
Dated for:
1.5 years

Lindsey was not a dum dum like the rest, so he knew the proper behavior a suitable BF should exhibit, but he did not use his powers for good. He used them for evil and fuckwittage[1]. Lindsey’s fuckwittage caused the two to break up shortly before Valentine’s Day. Instead of wearing absurd pink and red outfits to the bars and sucking face with random strangers like normal people, they went through the motions of an awkward V-Day dinner even though they were repulsed by one another.

Have a Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! I hope you’ve learned something today and god help you if you’re spending the day with any of these turd burglars!

[1] Fuckwittage: Used first in Bridget Jones' Diary, it has now become a synonym for the mindgames men play when dating. It can also be applied to women in rare cases.

It can be preceded by “emotional” to make it about manipulating emotions or just plain “fuckwittage.”

Girl 1: Dan said he loved me but he's not ready for a relationship.
Girl 2: That's just emotional fuckwittage. Get out of the relationship!