The latest posts from all humor columns and their contributors. First Lecture | Simon Says
Simon says stomp your feet like you’re crushing all the couples who won’t invite you to their dinner parties, because they think you'll feel awkward.
Step 1: Show your authentic surprise. When you unexpectedly encounter an infantile grotesquerie like that one over there, you will feel shocked.
Simon says log in to the government-subsidized video conferencing system and wave at all your friends like everything is normal.
You too would like to manage the front desk of a dilapidated alcohol peddler who mostly sells Malibu rum to teenagers with fake IDs.
Alternative facts are just as good as regular facts. Better, even, because the only limit is your imagination!
How many of you have dogs who display selective aggression towards people of races other than your own? Everyone again. Frustrating, isn’t it?
Someone of your social ineptitude fears any conflict, meaning you should absolutely feel nervous about upsetting a bored stranger you can't even see.
Blathering on about one’s own dream is one of life’s greatest pleasures, a kind of psychological masturbation that satisfies our basest desire.
Redirect the Attention. Infiltrate the Distraction. And Proceed as if Nothing Has Happened. Together, they form a useful pneumonic: RIP.
That mix of fear and resentment swirling in your gut? That’s how every icebreaker exercise should feel. You want your group to absolutely hate it.
By the end of the semester, you should be able to verbally sedate your significant others for an entire dinner conversation.
Simon says stand on one foot, while also juggling four frying pans and reciting today’s history lesson on the Battle of Bunker Hill from memory.