In less than two and a half months, I will turn 21. Some equate this milestone with the coming Apocalypse, and those zealots are not entirely mistaken. I do, in fact, intend to cause a rip in the space-time continuum by ordering drinks fast enough to warp the fabric of our universe.

How would you spend your tax return if you were me; a surfboard to learn on when I move to the beach this summer, a PLAYSTATION 3 so I can next-gen game, or a quaint little handgun? All of those have their merits, sure, but only one can ward off a horde of zombies. Think about it.

Speaking of zombies, I've decided not to vote for John McCain in the impending presidential election. Unless Hilary gets the nomination, in which case I'd feel compelled to defend my country against a shrewed, cackling empress hell-bent on instating universal health care and women's suffrage.

I'll go ahead and cast my vote for Yuengling as America's best beer, however. Sure, it gets you smashed just as quick as Busch Light or Miller Lite (the only light pilsener that doesn't taste of ash and piss), but it just seems like Yuengling leads you down the path of inebriation in a much gentler, amiable way. That, and it tastes like great sex feels. Y'know… good.

Speaking of Yuengling, check out the picture I found for today's post. Says, “Stolen from”. You know, I believe that instead of copyrights and exclusive image rights on the internet, all picture should come with a similar watermark. Wanna plagiarize? Go on ahead, but you have to put “Stolen from” after every paragraph. In large, bold, red, yellow, and black letters.

Whoever came up with the idea of pulled-pork barbecue was a Goddamn genius.

Whoever came up with the open container law was a Goddamn moron.

Who would win in a fight; a caveman or a lumberjack?

I saw the first specks of pollen the other day when I went out for a cigarette. Every year around this time in North Carolina, every object not completely shielded from the outside world will gain a sickly pastel yellow hue as layer upon layer of plant sperm accumulates on every surface. I've been allergic to pollen ever since I can remember, which gives me all kinds of mixed feelings about this time of year. For one, the temperatures are starting to sneak out of the 50's, so it's a treat to finally start seeing some great sets of legs emerge from their wintry denim layers. On the other hand, as soon as I step outside, I'm likely to sneeze one of my lungs out on the sidewalk, which gathers strange looks from passerby and probably requires some kinda medical attention.

And now, the booze safari;

1. Cereal germ.

2. Fatty alcohol.

3. Alcohol.

4. Alcoholic beverage.