With WVU's football season fast approaching, the higher-ups here at the #1 party school have already started their yearly sweat-dripping. Today, I, as well as the entire drunken, slobbering student body received this email…

Dear WVU Students,

Are you ready for some Mountaineer football? I can hardly wait until our first game on September 1 when we take on Western Michigan. As we get ready to kick off another exciting football season, I am confident that not only will we be winners on the football field, but off the field as well.

Let's show our Mountaineer pride by celebrating responsibility and positivity on every game day. Join with me and do your part to promote a safe and friendly atmosphere. Show respect for all fans, including opposing fans, players, and coaches.

In preparation for Saturday's game and future games, please be reminded of the following policies that will help promote a safe environment in and around the stadium and allow all of us to have a good time and enjoy the game:

* Individuals observed engaged in dangerous or disruptive activity – for example, throwing objects in the stadium or onto the playing field; using obscene language; or possessing alcohol – will be subject to immediate removal from the stadium and possible criminal charges.

* Only authorized personnel are permitted on the field; those who enter are trespassing and will be arrested and fined. In addition, an assault on an emergency responder is considered a felony.

* Any attempt at reproducing and/or altering student tickets in any manner is illegal and could be categorized as theft of services. Such activities may result in disciplinary action, including loss of athletic privileges as well as expulsion.

Cheer Loud! Be Proud! Let's go, Mountaineers!
Ken Gray
Vice President for Student Affairs

This was my response:

Dear Ken Gray,

Yes, I am ready for some fucking Mountaineer football! Whooooooo!

And yes, I think we'll be winners on the field as well, but the reason I'm writing you this letter isn't because I think that winning off the field isn't important too. You see, I'd like to think that I understand you; that you mean that “winning” can be had “off the field” by students not participating in drunk and otherwise riot-like behavior.

This I disagree with, wholeheartedly.
First, football stadiums (particularly Morgantown's) are supposed to be a place of utter chaos. It is our duty to threaten those little bitches into losing. What I'm saying is… don't be a pussy Ken.

Second, I'm sure you've heard the expression, “the early bird gets the worm.” Well as a result of living here at WVU for the last four years, I've learned that it is “the loud, sloppy drunk who lights the Pontiac Sunfire gets the nickname ‘The Motherfucking Champ‘”

If it wasn't for our wanton disregard for the safety of ourselves or others, we'd just be like Brigham Young…and nobody likes a bunch of fucking Mormons.

I mean seriously, Ken. “Celebrating responsibility?”





What the fuck.

You're blowing smoke up my ass, Ken. And it doesn't feel good.

I'm going to tell you straight up. This Saturday, I'm going to buy a bottle of Everclear, drink it within a short length of time and then proceed to the stadium, where I will participate in offensive chants about players, coaches and Western Michigan fans (if they even have the balls to walk into The Mountaineer Maniac section). Then, I will print off 500 of my tickets and give them out to every freshman dumb enough to take it. During the game, I plan on drinking profusely… in the bathroom…. with a plastic flask that I've already had for the last three years. Then, I will attack a guard and sling his corpse over the goalposts after we win.

I may vomit, I may fall, I may even pass out. But goddamnit Ken, this is my last semester at WVU; the last few months I get to be in this refuge of irresponsibility. You're breakin my balls.

And just so you know, when I'm riotously drunk, I am going to try to think about you and your words of encouragement. It's just that I probably won't remember them… or care…or really even have a conscious thought process, come to think of it….

Just know that when I siphon 12 beers into my stomach and consequentially, vomit them all back up on a Freshman girl who I'm fucking, I'll be screaming “Responsibility!” as I cram my unprotected cock in her pussy and maybe, for extra school spirit…”Sportsmanship!” as I cream in her mouth.

Thanks for your time.

Winning “off the field” for life,
Nick Gaudio
Senior, English