In my experience, white people, men especially, seem to lack rhythm and struggle on the dance floor. It's a known fact. Now some of you might say, “Screw you. What would you know? Compared to you I can cut up a rug like Michael Jackson on a sugar high and I'm white.” Maybe you think you can, but you can't. Period. Being a white male, I am one of the less fortunate. I am bad on the dance floor in fact, I was once asked if I was OK because it looked like I was having an aneurysm. But that's a story for another day.

By now, you may be asking “Alright smart ass, how do we fix this. Women like to dance, how do we join them on the dance floor without looking like a complete tool..” Hold on, you impatient prick. I'm about to tell you everything you need. First, and probably most obvious, you should never go onto the dance floor sober. A few drinks will lower your inhibitions, give you more confidence, and as a result, make you look better on the dance floor. It helps that this gives the ladies some time to have a few drinks as well, which could affect their eye sight in your favor. You don't want to be stumbling, “drunk as Homer Simpson after the ‘Topes won it all” hammered either.

Next, it helps if you have a group of people. For the gay men, a group of other fudge nudgers is fine, but for the rest of you walking sperm donations, a couple of lady friends are a must. Other girls will see the girls having fun with you, and wonder what they're missing out on. Finally, you need some kind of routine in place BEFORE you hit the dance floor. I can't stress this enough. I'm not talking about the type of stupid shitty moves you'd see in a Broadway musical or an Usher music video. That stuff is best left for the aforementioned gay men, but some simple moves you can all do together, in time to the music is the key.

Now readers, here are the moves that I've never tried but have seen work. All should be performed in time to the music, and as synchronized as possible so you all do the same moves at the same time. Like you see in musicals.

The kitchen dance- Point to the sky twice, and then throw some imaginary bread crumbs on the ground to feed some imaginary birds twice, and squeeze an imaginary lemon twice, repeat, all in time to the music.

The truck driver – Both hands on a big imaginary steering wheel, steering in time to the music. Then take one hand off the wheel to change gears, go back to steering, and then pull on the imaginary air horn. Repeat. This one is popular

The sprinkler?– One arm out straight, pointing as if you are aiming high to throw a ball as far as you can, and at the same time put your other hand on your shoulder (i.e. right hand on right shoulder), and swing your elbow back and forth toward you outstretched arm, just like a sprinkler. Next, hold both arms up vertically, and move your arms forward and back, simulating another sprinkler. Finally, wave both arms in a circular motion over head, bent at the elbows, like another sprinkler. All in time to the music.

There are others, but these should get you started. Feel free to experiment and make up your own, but please make sure at least a couple of you know what the hell you're doing. By now, many women in your selected venue will have seen how much fun you're having with your friends, as you laugh and joke when you mess up (and you will), or high five when you get it right (and you will). Others may come and ask you to teach them your dance, and if not, you can pull aside any nearby hottie and offer to teach them. I guarantee if you do it right, most will still refuse anyway (at least in my experience). The rest is up to you. Even internet scavengers like you can't mess this up. Or can you? Any questions?

Yes you, with the acne and binoculars for glasses.
Q. But what if I'm not good looking? I'm so white Frosty the Snowman looks like he just stepped out of a tanning salon next to me. And my face resembles a connect the dots puzzle. Will your moves still work?
A. Hell, no. Your time would be better spent becoming some sort of rich millionaire.

Q. My conversation skills are like breasts on a female Chinese gymnast; non existent. Will these moves still help me?
A. No, genius. That's what the alcohol is for.

No more questions? Good. Now that you're a dancin' love machine, donations to PIC's alcohol fund…. I mean…. dance school, are accepted in the form of cash, beer or tickets to various sporting events.

Get out of here, and get dancing!

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