I believe that God put friends here on this Earth for a number of reasons; to make us laugh when we're happy, to comfort us when we're down, and to swear in a court of law that yes, Judge, the panda was already on fire when we got there.

I believe that one can find happiness in the bottom of a bottle, provided that you can climb in there in the first place.

And I believe in a bright future for our world, as the Sun slowly expands, and all civilization perishes in fire, and plasma.

I believe that we should always honor and respect the elderly of our country, instead of giving them Social Security.

I believe that cassettes are coming back in a big way.

I believe that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword, but I still brought a battle axe, just in case.

I believe that every homeless person in this country deserves a place to call their own; a small house, with a white picket fence and a backyard, in Siberia.

I believe that the rampant burning of petroleum and raw coal is the only way to stave off the menace of global cooling.

I believe that the best way to raise a child is with a crane.

I believe that when a woman says no, it means no, and when a woman falls asleep, it's fair game.

I believe that family is the most important thing we have, besides money, sex, and oxygen.

And I believe that letting children play violent video games is more dangerous than giving them a loaded gun, which is why my kids will only play with shotguns and revolvers.

I believe that young girls should not be allowed to dress up like tramps like they do nowadays, unless they can really pull it off.

And finally, I believe that love can set you free, unless you're in prison, or married.

Thank you, and goodnight.