Did you know that American writer Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) was born in Ohio? Or that he disappeared without a trace in Mexico in late 1913? And that arguably his most famous work was THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY, in which Bierce presented a bitterly funny list of words in a dictionary-type format, often revolving around clever puns or sarcastic jokes?
That's neither here nor there (unless you're doing an essay on him in your American Literature course, in which case I demand proper credit) but it does both segue into the following article as smoothly as Jason Priestley's gigantic, oiled penis into your favourite orifice of choice, and serve as an appropriate disclaimer if Bierce were to suddenly reappear again and claim that I ripped him off- although given that he'd be 165 years old if he did resurface, I assume he'd want delicious brains in lieu of a century of trademark infrigement payments. And now, my "re-imagining" of the DD:
COMMODEIAN: Any stand-up performer who used to be hilarious and cutting edge but whom recently had a baby and whose routines now consist largely of jokes revolving around nappy changing, preschool, sippy cups, and how their screaming, shitting, mewling infant is precious and special and unique amongst all the other hundreds of thousands of screaming, shitting, mewling infants born daily.
HEXAM: Test paper you have no hope of passing without the aid of a voodoo doll shaped like your professor.
KEYHOARD: seemingly innocuous flakes, sprinkles and crumbs that fall from your snacks whilst you are working on your computer and slip between the spaces of the keypads, eventually becoming numerous enough to disrupt normal keyboard use, sustain a family of four for a period of not less than a year and attract enough vermin to give the term ‘mousepad' a somewhat more literal meaning.
NAYCIST: Any individual who disputes their status as a bigot by writing indignant letters to their local paper beginning with "I'm not a Racist/Homophobe/Weightist/Ageist but…" then fills the next five paragraphs with hate speech that would gobsmack Anne Coulter.
JACKBLACK: A card game similar to poker in which the player disguises his total lack of talent by being very loud and obnoxious and doing the same thing over and over again.
TWIBLIGHT: A malady afflicting tween girls that causes them to become necrophiliacs and read terrible literature.
LACKCENT: The tendency for any Australian actor who becomes popular internationally to lose the strine and adopt a semi-permanent American speaking voice the moment they step from the departure lounge at LAX. Ryan Kwanten, Nicole Kidman and Anthony Lapaglia have phenomenal lackcents.
VANILLA FOLDER: A person who plays Ben Folds albums whilst fucking.
TOASTICLES: A gentleman going commando who sits too close to a campfire and has parts of his anatomy mistaken for marshmallows.
AILMO: A fatal disease of muppets.
FLASHMOUTH: Huge, toothy, completely false congratulatory smiles adopted by runners up at Beauty Pageants and Academy Awards Ceremonies who would rather be hocking venom on the winner's corpse than smiling benignly at them.
DOUBLE NEELIX: The part of a strand of DNA that makes it utterly compelling to casual viewers of CSI and completely, mind-numbingly boring to science students who actually have to work with DNA on a daily basis.
CELEBSNITTY: One who becomes famous for being mean, stupid, vindictive, and other traits that would have them held down and beaten with bars of soap inside socks in the Armed Forces. Perez Hilton is the Patron Saint of Celebsnitties.
GENTYL: A non-Jewish, heterosexual man who inexplicably still loves Barbra Streisand.
BEENIUS: A once greatly admired, nigh-revered person who is rapidly losing their charm and would be well advised to retire whilst they still have some credibility intact and people still have at least some fond memories of STAR WARS, for fuck's sake.
Ambrose Bierce: Looking not unlike Michael J Fox lip-wrestling a caterpillar: