The first weekend in June, I’m going to New York.
The first weekend in June, I’m going to New York.
The last time I was in New York, the twin towers were standing and the Yankees had a bullpen. So, it’s high time I returned. Not that you give two rat turds dipped in urine, but I’m going to New York because I’m in my twenties, which means most of my friends are in their twenties, which means most of my friends are getting married, which means I’m going to a wedding in New York. Which basically just means that I’ll be getting drunk in a different location with people who either don’t know me or actually like me (there are still a few out there).
Now, I was gonna use this space to go off on why I think marriage is a total sham and I’ll never get married ever because there’s absolutely no reason to ruin your life like that, but the truth is, I really don’t feel like pissing off a whole bunch of women today (hey, maybe tomorrow). (Side note: I hate the fact that all women are proponents of marriage and all men are skeptical of the idea. If that doesn’t tell you something about the importance of marriage in this country, well, quite frankly, you’re an idiot. But thanks for reading.) So instead, I’m gonna borrow a page from Justin Rebello and bitch about my life.
I’m busy as hell. This is my biggest complaint. Not only do I have to work an office job from nine to five where I actually have to get work done every stinking day, but afterwards, I have to come home and try to get some writing done (I’m working on a book) in forty five minutes, then I have to go out and umpire baseball games. And then, when all this is finished and I just want to go home, rub one out and go to bed, I have to deal with my girlfriend who cannot get enough attention from me and is, unfortunately, bearing the brunt of my resulting attitude. So basically, I can’t do what I want to do pretty much ever.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “DeGraaf, just quit the umpiring gig and tell your woman to take a hike and finish that book because I know you’ve got like a hundred pages of snippets and I want to fucking read them.” And to you I say, “Fuck off.” I umpire out of obligation because that crew needs me there. They need me because they have few umpires of my caliber (and yes, I am at least above average at everything I do, which is why I do what I do and if you have a problem with that you can go to hell—man am I pissed today). And, as regards the girlfriend, kicking her out is coming dangerously close to breaking up with her because she lives with her dad now and she hates it there. So kicking her out is basically a fight. And by the way, I love it when one of the reasons I haven’t finished the book yet (Amy) tells me I should finish the book. That, right there, is women in a nutshell.
Speaking of which, I have been working with a woman who has been trying to get me fired for three years. She’s retiring now, so she’s on the final lap of her mission. Every day I get through without impaling her with my letter opener is a great day for me.
So basically, I am in a new place for me. I’m not happy. Court Sullivan once told me that I was one of a handful of genuinely happy people he knows. I never really understood what he meant until I woke up today in a bad mood after an evening wherein I displayed quite a bit of anger (sorry, Amy). I had never waken up in a bad mood before. Now I know what it’s like and it really sucks. So, clearly I need to find happiness again. How will I do that (you never asked)? Well, I will fly to Manhattan and get drunk as hell with one of my best friends. You may know him as the owner of Chills. I’ll get a little change of scenery, a little catching up with an old friend, a lot of debauchery and, hopefully, I will return with batteries recharged and tackle the final leg of this book.
Wish me luck.
Oh yeah, and if you’ll be in Manhattan late Friday night (June 2nd) or Saturday (June 3rd), please feel free to let me know where you’ll be buying me a drink (so long as it’s actually on the island), and I’ll do my best to get there. I’m a drunk like that.