I could really use a printjob...Tonight I went and saw stand-up comedy for the first time in a few months. I'd consider that a pretty bad dry streak, so it really brought out the spontaneity of comedy in me. I even managed to squeeze an extra joke and a half out of one guy's joke. He had previously been making fun of the fact that he never gets phone calls, so later in the set during a lull, he pulled out his cell phone to check for any missed calls. Get it?! A CALLBACK joke! I laughed for an inappropriate extra 30 seconds wondering the whole time whether he realized the extent of his own joke. Somehow I doubted it, and I started to wonder whether an implied pun even COUNTS as a joke.

So now, because no one has ever tried it before, and because normally every one of my posts is thought out and refined weeks in advance by a cocaine team of editors and copywriters, and because Mikey might be able to use the material (da dun CH), I am going to attempt a “stand-up” blog post…

…About printing. Enjoy!

Our next comedian has performed everywhere from Xerox Headquarters to the Philadelphia Public Library 3rd floor Copy Center to the Kinkos just down the street. Everybody please give a warm welcome to the king of print humor himself, Court Sullivan!!

How's everybody doing tonight?!! *Animalistic clapter, wooo screams*

Awesome, wow… sounds like the inside of a Kinkos after the government started allowing personal photocopies of 20 dollar bills but there was a storewide paper jam, am I right?!

Alright, alright, calm down. We don't want tech support to have to come down here and discover alcohol. They have a hard enough time solving problems sober, God knows what those people are capable of fucking up with a few beers in their system. And by that I do mean that they would probably try to stuff a couple of Miller Lites in their PCs if you told them it would boost performance.

You know what I really hate about paper jams? They're impossible to spread on a slice of bread. Seriously, what the hell is a PBJ without the B?

So, I see a lot of you elementary school kids came out for this show. Always nice to see young faces…

Ok, now you probably want to leave, because that PBJoke is the only one you're going to appreciate, and it's only gonna go from PG to XXX from here. Listen, I threw you a bone ok? Now get the fuck out of the club.

Alright, I see that we've dispensed with the 3rd graders. You know what I hate about 3rd graders these days? The fact that they'll NEVER HAVE TO LIFT A PENCIL AGAIN IN THEIR LIVES. When I was in 3rd grade, I was busy perfecting cursive and hardening that little callous on the inside of my middle finger by pounding out pages upon pages of handwritten material.

Now we have keyboards. These little fucks will never know the value of a handwritten letter. They will never appreciate the effortlessness of push-button technology. Push, push, push, push, point and click. That's the publishing process today. Not write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write… write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write…… *bathroom pass*……write, write, write, write, write, write, write…..*lunch room*……write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write……*pass love note*……write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write……*go home for the night*……write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write…….*hope your dog doesn't eat your paper*…… write, write, write, write, write, write, write (in your sleep)…….*get to school early*…….write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write….. turn in paper. Receive C- because the teacher couldn't read your handwriting on pages 2, 3 and 5.

Nope, today it's just keyboards and printers. And to tell you the truth, I've always thought printers were racist. Think about it… you've got black ink, and colored ink. And a piece of white paper is considered to be completely worthless until it's smattered with a bunch of this racist propaganda. What is this, reparations?

In high school dumb people always used to tell me to stop copying their paper. I said, “Hey, if I wanted to copy your paper I'd put a nickel in your mouth and wait for a piece of lead crap to fall out of your ass.”

Sorry, the delivery on that was sort of mechanical.

How much time do I have? *Off-stage whispers* Ah, enough to open printer door 3 and follow the instructions on the screen? Great, hope you all weren't planning on driving home tonight because I'm not skipping any steps.

Why is it that a printer needs toner anyway? Isn't toner for gay men and girls with large pores? I look at it this way: black people don't put on sunscreen, right? Why do we need an extra product to keep our diversity-challenged cartridges from going the way of Michael Jackson? Is gray the new black in the ink community?

Have you ever seen a printer in a public place hooked up to a coin machine? I usually see this in public libraries and I always wonder if the printer feels totally used, in a prostitution sort of way. Seriously, next time you look upon a public pay printer, note the somber expression of its paper tray. It would be like if you went to work one day, all along doing your job just fine, and suddenly someone walked up and strapped a vending apparatus to your body. Now you can't even function unless someone has a dime, or a quarter. People want to use you, but suddenly you've become that person nobody talks to. Not because you're expensive, but because no one can find ANOTHER coin machine to break a dollar.

Printer ErrorYou ever wonder if all the printers in Kinkos have wild orgies after the last employee closes up for the night? Of course they do, what do you think the random garbled lines and ink stains on all those sheets of paper lying around are from? That'll teach you to smudge the ink next time.

I'm thinking of starting a hot new service for lonely, horny men who are painfully shy, but really want to experience the touch of a woman. Fax sex: $2.99 for the first page, 99 cents each additional page.

Hey, here's one: what did the cheap, painfully shy guy write to the fax sex operator when he was in a hurry to orgasm?

“Just the fax, please.”

Yeah, I know, now you're wondering what her reply was. Simple really:

“What is this, 3rd grade? Get a keyboard, loser.”

That's my time, thanks!!


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