Bonjour, Barnyard Biohazards!

Okay, so the whole Swine Flu/H1N1 dealie is still in the process of attempting to convince us it's as much of a dire threat to humanity as Cancer, Terrorism, Nicholas Cage movies or the latest revision to the classic STAR WARS universe by George Lucas; but although it's highly communicable, Swine Flu has a low degree of infection and morbidity amongst all but children, meaning that it will sweep over the world and nauseate thousands of people, but only tweens will be seriously affected—it's like the germ version of TWILIGHT.

That being said, Mexico City in your neck of the woods, and Melbourne in my neck of the woods, are veritable virus vacation villas (try saying that three times fast through a mouthful of your favourite GREY'S ANATOMY cast-member)- indeed, Melbourne is so rife with Swine Flu infectees right now that koalas have been spotted fashioning crude face-masks out of eucalyptus leaves and the Prime Minister has drafted a bill renaming the city "Porkytown".

But even though I work with invertebrates for a living and have a great affection for anything tiny and multi-legged, far be it from me to encourage the microscopic little horrors to bring the human race to its collective knees so that I can use my army of corpse beetles to takeover your pitiable monkey people's government ..um… So here's a list of things you can do to stop yourselve from becoming Swine-dled:

* Don't listen to that know-it-all spider's propoganda insisting that the whiny boar in pen 5 is "Some Pig"- blow the little fucker into kibbles n' bits at the first opportunity.

* If you find yourself seated next to Frank Oz at the Academy Awards, do not shake his hand. He's had it up to the elbow in Miss Piggy's tuchas for the past four decades.

* Cannibals the world over have described human flesh as tasting remarkably similar to pork. Instead of cooking yourself some ham and eggs, take a page out of the Jeffrey Dahmer Cookbook and have a "Long Pig" luncheon. It's a cook-book! It's a cook-book!

* If anyone in earshot refers to their junk as a "Pork Sword", disembowel them immediately, immolate their corpse and salt the earth over their unmarked grave. Even if they don't turn out to actually have swine flu, they're clearly an asshole anyway and you'd be doing the gene pool a big favour.

*If you must have sex with a pig, do it in the butt so it's facing away and can't sneeze on you. And absolutely no kissing, no matter how often the pig whines that you used to love it and make it feel special but now you're using it as just "some cheap porcine whore like Ned Beatty in DELIVERANCE".

*Don't ever turn your back on distinguished, award-winning actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman- from the looks of him, he's a disguised swine sleeper agent just waiting for the chance to bathe in our water supply and kill us all.

*You may one day have to choose between continuing to remain healthy, or giving up bacon. Kill yourself now so that you never, ever have to make such a profoundly horrible decision.

Follow Points in Case on Twitter.

Join The Second City writing classes on satire, sketch, and TV - 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.