Last week, I went 4-11-1 against the spread. That sucks. Real bad. And the worse part is that I lost four of the games by a combined 2 points (thanks to all those half point spreads).

So basically, I want to kill myself.

Now, because Thanksgiving break is coming and football is being played tomorrow, I am honoring my commitment to pick all the games this year by picking them today. For those of you who hate the football picks, don't worry, I wrote some snippets today, too (just scroll on down).

Also, because I've been doing so lousy with the picks and I'm so crunched for time, I am picking the games against the spread by flipping a coin. Seriously. Heads is the visiting team. Tails is the home team. And the home team, incidentally, is in CAPS.

Let the flipping begin.

LIONS (+3) over Dolphins
“What are you doing?” asked one of my coworkers.

“Tails,” I said.

Working with me is fun.

COWBOYS (-11) over Bucs
Tails again.

And for those of you that are curious, the coin in question here is an American quarter circa 1993.

Broncos (+1) over CHIEFS

This is riveting shit, huh?

Jaguars (-3) over BILLS
One of my coworkers who knows that I write for this site just said, “Is that how you're picking your games this week?”

She seemed shocked.

Anyway, heads again.

Texans (-6) over JETS
And heads are on a roll?

Steelers (+3) over RAVENS
Wow, I mean tails started this off, but heads is just running away with it. What a race!

Oh, just eat your turkey and shut up.

Bengals (-3) over BROWNS
Heads again! I mean, I haven't seen one half of a coin dominate like this since the days of the pornography coins back in the early nineties (and yes, I made that up).

VIKINGS (-6) over Cardinals
And tails has had enough of this shit.

RAMS (-51/2) over 49ers
Tails takes another. I know you're on the edge of your seat, but just scooch back a little. We still have a long way to go.

FALCONS (-3) over Saints
Tails seems to have found the eye of the tiger, which reminds me of a question I've had since that song came out: do tigers have good eyesight?

Seriously. Anyone know?

Panthers (-4) over REDSKINS
And now it's heads' turn. I tell you, this coin is neck and neck with itself.

Bears (+3) over PATRIOTS
Wow, I keep getting head.

(Come on, you knew that joke was coming eventually.)

COLTS (-9) over Eagles
Man, I love getting a little tail.

(Again, you saw it coming.)

Giants (-3) over TITANS
And back to the head.

This is for the tails and this is for the head. This is for the head, now back to the tails?

I am very white.

Raiders (+13) over CHARGERS
Heads is kicking tails ass. This is re-damn-Donkey-Kong-diculous. What ever happened to fifty/fifty, huh?

SEAHAWKS (-91/2) over Packers
And tails has the last word.

The sad thing is, if this coin even goes .500, it'll do a better job than I've done. Which means I'll have had my ass handed to me by an eighteen year old girl and a United States Quarter Dollar.

I hate this game.

Last week: 4-11-1
Overall Record: 72-81-7