I've got a busy weekend planned and because no one else wants to listen to my gripes about my life, you get to. Remember: you can stop reading at any time.
Today is Friday, which typically means that I leave the office around 4:57 PM, head to the gym, sweat a lot, shower, get home, eat, call the woman, go to a bar and commence creating the kind of wastedness that can really only be achieved by alcoholics and rock stars. By eleven I'm sexually satisfied, fast asleep and ready to start my weekend.
But this Friday, just like last Friday, I have to be sober at midnight when the woman finishes her temporary night shift. She doesn't like me drunk when she first sees me. Now, she is fine with me getting drunk with her but God forbid I have any fun on my own. Fucking women. Happiness thieves, I tell you. Every damn one of them.
After I stay up until four in the morning to keep the woman happy, I then get to wake up and drive three hours to Naples, Florida, a city that (and I am not making this up) features golf tips nightly on local news. Seriously, they do that. If you ever need to really and seriously mellow out, go to Naples, Florida. Anything mellower than Naples, Florida is technically dead. It's in the City Bylaws.
I'm going to Naples because a friend's stepdad died. I knew the dude. He was cool. Cancer got him. Cancer is a punk bitch and will probably get us all but I digress. I hate funerals and so did he. In fact, he hated funerals so much he's not having one. But we're having a wake. And a viewing. And we'll be toasting him with multiple libations.
The day after the wake is Sunday, which features two football games I absolutely must watch. Hopefully I'll get to, but if not it'll be the fault of my buddy's late stepdad. His name was Tom and he was absolutely hilariously awesome and fun. He liked water sports and getting wasted and he owned a Llama with a crooked neck. And I think we can all agree that the funniest Llamas in the world have crooked necks. It is for that reason and that reason alone that whenever I see a Llama, I break its neck. And you should to.
Tom will be missed, that's for sure. But these games will not. And so, yet again, I pick them games against the spread for your edification. I'm sweet like that.
COLTS (-8) over Jets
It was really fun well it lasted, Jets fans. This date marks the end of the run that I called in an Atlantic City Casino drunk at seven in the morning. The Jets season is over. And so I make one request that I think is fair and reasonable: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT KARMA. I know it's fun to believe that the world is some kind of Fair Machine that makes sure to take care of those who take care of others but it's just not. Assholes who step on the throats of babies get many earthly rewards, drunks and fools with no morals do quite well on occasion, losers sometimes lose because winners are dicks. That is life.
Now, a lot of writers are writing about the Colts regular season encounter with the Jets, in which the Colts only played half a game, then let their second and third string tackling dummies finish the game, which allowed the Jets to sneak into the playoffs, only to play the team that let them in for the AFC Championship. Many writers are writing that Karma will take care of the Colts, that because they did not execute against the Jets in an attempt to go undefeated, they will lose this game. I hate to be the one to say this but, you see, football doesn't care about karma. And bookies don't care about karma. And an eight point spread exists for a reason. And Peyton Manning is probably part robot. And I don't care what kind of defensive schemes the Jets display, they have gone just about as far as they can go.
Now, do I hope they win? You bet. Will they? Fuck no. Get ready to see Peyton in the Super Bowl in Miami, which, incidentally, is the anti-Naples.
Vikings (+3.5) over SAINTS
Boy, I sure hope they mention Brett Favre during this game. That would be something different.
I'm dead sure that the Saints are the better team here and I know that both fan-bases have "suffered" without a precious Super Bowl win but I just feel like… well, like I said: The world doesn't care about karma. The world is, for all intents and purposes, indifferent. And so the world doesn't care that Brett Favre is a raging asshole of a human being or that Drew Brees is a nice guy. All the world cares about is the fact that the Vikes have a better o-line and a better defense and unless the Saints can turn ole Brett Favre into Pick Favre, well we're gonna get a Vikings/Colts Super Bowl. I would much prefer Jets/Saints but I'd also like to get drunk on my own and not lose friends during football season. What can you do?
The best you can, I guess.
Anyway, in honor of Tom and his family, I dedicated this internet post to his memory. It's not a lot but then I ain't got a lot.
RIP Tom. I'd type your last name but the internet can be kind of creepy.