The Colorado Rockies are your National League Champions. And there is nothing you can do about it. Suckers. I can't wait to see the American League representatives go play in rainy, freezing, mile above sea level, motherhumping mountainous Denver. This may be the most entertaining World Series in a long time. (Fun fact: The Colorado Rockies are the only major league baseball team named for an American land mass. Okay, maybe it wasn't that fun a fact.)

Random Health Trivia: Vodka has no carbohydrates or fat and is only 75 calories per shot. God made the Russians so they could make vodka happen. I firmly believe this.

In our nation's most recent high school shooting, the student involved killed only one man: himself. Sure, he injured a few others, but we couldn't even call this a murder suicide. As school shootings go, that was a pretty lazy effort. Just what kind of work ethic are they teaching in Cleveland schools anyway?

I know lots of scumbags. I'm not proud, but it's true. I even know a woman who lost custody of her daughter because said woman was always on drugs, made a lot of bad decisions and was frequently arrested. The only other time I've ever even heard of such a thing happening was when it happened to Britney Spears. I know mothers who deal drugs, live off oxycodone and methamphetamines, and think that Texas is a country, and they are still allowed to keep their kids. I realize I'm about three light years from the subject at hand, but I think Britney Spears may very well be the most delusional person on the planet right now. I mean, we may be in uncharted crazy territory right now. Maybe someone will name a syndrome after her. That'd be cool.

I would like to thank the New England Patriots for covering every spread thus far this year. The IRS will be getting its tax money from me this year and I owe it all to the team from New England playing like possessed, pissed-off pirates. Oh, I guess I owe some of it to the team from New York that pissed off the Patriots in the first place. It doesn't really matter though because I'm only offering credit here. And mine is worthless.

Speaking of the NFL, what advantage does the National football League get by not making the NFL Ticket available on cable? Does the NFL own DirecTV? I'd really like an answer to those two questions if possible. No rush.

Ladies and gentlemen, in a moment of sobriety I figured out exactly how we can end all the wars in the world: genetically create female sex slaves. Now, stay with me here because I think I've gotten to the bottom of the World Peace Problem. You see, pretty much all wars are started by men, and men for the most part only want three things: food, alcohol and sex. If every man were just given his own supply of sex slaves, there would never be any need to impress anyone and therefore there would never be a reason to fight, and thus there would be no war, provided the girls really liked applying fellatio.

Actual conversation I had with a girl (not really) named Heather:

Heather: I want to get a D Cup boob job, but I'm just not sure I can pull it off.
Me: You're being stupid.
Heather: What?
Me: There is not a man in the history of the universe who has ever uttered the phrase, “She just can't pull off those D-Cup breasts.”
Heather: Oh yeah. I guess you're right.

And finally, because logic and fluidity have to go to the store for skim milk, chicken breasts and fresh fruit, I leave you with the following, which I overheard a Hooters waitress say to another Hooters waitress:

“It's like, if I'm gonna keep dating him, he absolutely must get a new car.”


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