Love and money do not belong together. I mean that.

Zits seem more like a skin disease when they're on your shoulders instead of your face.

Drinking alcohol with fruit juice and working out while hungover for an extended period of time will eventually frustrate your body to the point where you're not sure if you're healthy or unhealthy. I mean, when you're tan and toned, how could anything be wrong, right?

Only rich people complain about the rising cost of beluga? Poor people are so lucky.

Neon would be so much more awesome if it tasted like frosting.

I think pretty much all light fixtures would be more awesome if they tasted like frosting.

Strawberries are a delicious treat, but what really bugs me about them is their complete and utter inability to taste like frosting.

Alcoholism is all fun and cute when it's a twenty two year old kid, but twenty years later it's a disease? Doesn't seem fair.

Would it be a service or a disservice to my readers if I tried to turn this into the first part-time porno blog where there'd only be naked videos one day a week and the rest of it would be you know, pretty much how it is now?

Hooter's girls and hookers both have to pretend that they're actually sexually interested in you. Organizations with so much in common could really benefit from merging. Really, imagine an opportunity to buy sex and wings at the same time. Even a clergyman would have to get behind that kind of convenience.

And finally, because logic and fluidity are working on crawling out of a vodka coma, I leave you with the following which I overheard in the gym:

“It's like, he totally needs to find a way to make real money. Why would any man become a teacher, anyway?”

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