There are times in life when something beautiful happens, when something you've been waiting on and waiting on finally comes to fruition. And that day is finally near. Michael Curtiss, quite possibly the laziest writer since Two Fingered Steve Kazman (and Steve wasn't lazy so much as he was all down on himself because he only had two fingers and they, according to old Two Digits, “got sore easy”) has finally decided that he will grace us with a fucking column. Seriously, Fearless Editor Court “I'd rather be lawless than fearless” Sullivan recently sent me an email to that effect. The column will be (I believe) entitled “Up Shit Creek.” And, as someone who's been bitching about Curtiss's (that's just too much S action, right there) lack of PIC appearances, I just gotta say, “I'll believe it when I see it.”

I hate it when people complain that they got too much sleep. I mean, it's their body. I don't think anyone can provide peer pressure to make someone sleep. I've never heard of anyone getting bullied into sleep. If you got too much sleep, I don't feel sorry for you in the slightest. In fact, fuck you for bringing it up.

How come when you bring beer to one of your friend's parties, it's considered polite; but when you bring beer to one of your friend's toddler's birthday parties, it's considered “raging alcoholic”? Just seems unfair.

This is how much I suck at watching TV: I just started watching Scrubs. I'm inching my way towards 24 and The Wire.

My friend Ryan got me a toolbox for my upcoming birthday. Inside was absolutely no tools and a six pack of beer on ice. “Come on,” said Ryan. “We both know you ain't fixin' shit.” True enough.

My opinion on Mark McGwire in the Hall of Fame: enough already. Who gives a fuck? It ain't like the HOF pays any of these sportswriters or players, anyway. The HOF has more people working for free than The Red Cross. That kind of sucks.

My buddy Dave has figured out an awesome way to gauge how well he's doing at losing weight. He approaches hookers and asks them how much. He must be doing well at his diet because he's gone from $250 a fuck to around $100. And yes, I'm dying to figure out what my Hooker Rating is. What can I say? I'm a loser.

And finally, because my writing has been so shitty lately that I actually had two people ask me what happened to my “observation” pieces, I leave you with the following, which I overheard at a bar:

“Sobriety used to be awesome, too. But this is just that much better.”


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