According to the news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Iran will “soon join the club of countries with nuclear technology.” In response, US President George Bush called up Mahmoud and welcomed him to the club. Soon enough, Mahmoud will learn the secret handshake and get invited to all the cool parties. Needless to say, he’s excited.

I’ve been working on enriching a chunk of uranium for like three years, and so far, all I’ve managed to do is break a finger. So Iran is definitely ahead of the curve… well, my curve anyway.

I hope we have a puppet government set up in Iran already. But some people I know who actually read the news say that Iran is one of the strongest powers in the middle east, so we may not have one set up yet. To this I responded, “Get outta here. I didn’t know that.” The conversation then moved onto the subject of hot women. But for a few seconds there, we were almost topical.

If I had a nuclear weapon, I wouldn’t pay any of my bills. I’d be all like, “You can’t shut off my electricity. I have a nuclear bomb. I’ll kill us all.” I’d tell the cable company to give me every deluxe channel package for free. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’d pay for food or consumer goods ever again. You know, I could probably take over the state if it wasn’t for the damn American government. Stupid government. Always ruining my dream of state domination (the world would be too much responsibility).

People always talk about what nuclear war would be like. But I don’t think you can actually have a nuclear war. I think instead you would just have a bunch of nuclear explosions. I mean, you can’t have nuclear troops or nuclear tanks or nuclear snipers or anything. Once the war technically starts, it’s not long until it’s over and everyone’s dead. Instead of nuclear war, I think they should call it nuclear genocide. Of course, I’m also waiting for Fox to bring back “Titus” so what the hell do I know?

The U.N. Security Council has demanded that Iran end uranium enrichment. They then added, “or else we’ll… shit, what can we do to these guys that hasn’t been done already? Aww fuck. We should have known that world socialism crap would only make the world a worse place. Let’s grab lunch.”

Did you know that the sauce for chicken wings comes in the following levels of spicy: mild, medium, hot, fire, atomic and nuclear? You see that? Nuclear’s the hottest one. And, as someone who’s eaten the nuclear wings before, I can only say this: if what happened in my body happens to this world, we’re all screwed.

Anyway, good luck enriching that uranium, Iran. First you get the nukes, then you get the power, then you get the hot women.

And that’s what it’s all about.


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