In case you haven't been paying attention or are just reading for the first time, I teach English to Korean children who are either too old for the sweatshops or too young for prostitution. Just kidding, all my kids are going to grow up and solve cancer.

As I teach about the joys of reading and fine tuning grammar, my students really want to learn how to swear effectively in English, so they do their best to get a rise out of me. Their reasoning is two-fold: get their teacher to say a bad word and learn a new English curse to impress their friends. 

I used to swear in Spanish, but then when I walked by a playground and heard Korean kids calling each other "pinchemadre" (motherfucker) and "puta" (whore) I decided to do what my grandparents, parents and network television have done: use pretend swear words.

So now I say "Gee whiz! Gosh darnit! Goll dangit! Jiminy Crickett! Shucks! I'll be danged! Judas Priest!" and my personal favorite "Oh fudge!"

If I need a good clean insult I go with "Little stinker, chucklehead, chucksteak, CHUD" or even "silly rabbit."

I haven't heard the kids on the playground say, "Fudge off you chucklehead before I kick you so hard in the bottom your jingle jangles fly to the moon!"

I thought I was really smart until I called somebody a "cheeseball." This turned my classroom into a near riot. Kids laughing until they cried, texting their friends, and begging me to say it again.

You see, the Korean word for "fuck" is "she-bar." Unfortunately for my wannabe Puritanical mouth, when I tried to call somebody a completely harmless word, it really sounded like the worst word in the Korean language. 

But, goll dangit, it's time for me to go kick some rocks and teach some kids how not to cuss in English. So enjoy your day or night you fudging chuckleheads.


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