I am fucking gorgeous.

I am the prettiest girl back in my home town of Durham, North Carolina. On my 18th birthday, I was voted Miss Durham and in the same year I was my highschool’s prom queen and voted ‘most likely to pose in Maxim’. Should of said playboy.

A lot of people in my town told me I should get into acting. I agreed with them. I feel that I am really passionate about acting. So my best friend Tammy and me, signed up for some acting classes at our local YMCA. Tammy is pretty, but not as pretty as me. She was voted ‘most likely to get pregnant first.’ She was happy when she read that. She loves kids.

The classes at the Y sucked. I hated them. I only went to three of them. I didn’t really feel like doing things like pretending I’m an old man on his deathbed. What the fuck. Anyways, Tammy and I decided to fly out to LA and start our acting careers.

This is where I am now. I have been here for 2 years and I LOVE LA!! The weather is always perfect and there are a ton of hot guys here. At first I hated the guys. Anywhere that me and Tammy would walk, these ugly losers would approach us with their cards and asked us if we wanted to get into porn. All the time, they’d tell us the same thing, we’d each get 1000 dollars for one day’s work and all we had to do was fuck some guy in the back of a van or in some hotel room. Gross. Anyways, within 2 months me and Tammy got used that sort of thing.

Anyways, my first job I landed was as a P.A. on the Tom Green Show that played on MTV. PA stands for Production Assistant for those not in the biz. Tom was cool though. He is from Canada. Which I think is just north of New York State. I hated that job though. I ended up getting yelled at and fired because I refused to pick up dog shit on the set after Tom brought his dog Conner in to run around. I’m sorry but I have standards. And I don’t give a shit if Cheryl, Conner’s personal assistant, called in sick that day.

Luckily for me, I was fucking Tom’s personal assistant Gerry. I think Gerry was gay but I didn’t care. He had the most beautiful dick I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen lots. Anyways, after I was fired, Gerry told me that Nick Lachey (Jessica Simpon’s now ex) is looking for a new personal assistant and he got me the job.

I was Nick Lachey’s personal assistant for 1.5 years. As, I started working for Nick, Tammy had to move back to Durham. Tammy ended up taking a few of those porn jobs. And she got pregnant. One of the guys she was fucking in the back of a van ended up pumping in her a couple more times then he should have before pulling out and blowing all over her face. She was on the pill but she still got pregnant. So she went back home to have the kid. That would suck to be that kid. Could you imagine growing up and learning how your mom and dad met. And you were a mistake. I’m sorry Jr, but you weren’t suppose to find the egg. You were really suppose to land in your mother’s eye.

Anyways, the work as Nick Lachey’s assistant was pretty easy and fun. I started working for him the same time him and Jessica started Newlyweds on MTV. Nick is a cool guy and so is Jessica. At first, I thought Jessica didn’t like me because I was Nick’s assistant. She probably thought I wanted to steal him away. But I don’t know why. She is ridiculously beautiful. More hotter in person then on TV. She is stunning. Standing next to her, I look like a fat Hillary Clinton. That is why you will never ever see me in a picture with Jessica Simpson. I refuse.

At first I thought having MTV camera crew always in the house would get pretty annoying; but it wasn’t so bad. Most the the camera guys where standup comedians just trying to make it themselves and when we weren’t shooting or when other crew were setting up lights, they’d tell jokes and make me, Nick, and Jessica laugh all the time. I once was laughing so hard that I farted really loudly. So fucking embarrassing.

Everyone always asks me if Jessica is really that dumb in person or if its all just an act. It’s not an act but Jessica isn’t that dumb. They use one month’s worth of footage in each episode. So it’s not like Jessica says something stupid five times in one day. Its more like she says something stupid five times in one month. In jessica’s contract, before starting the show, she had several rules that the MTV camera crew had to follow. Most of them were normal like, ‘can’t film me between the hours of midnight and 6am’ and ‘can only film me for 2 minutes max if I’m in the pool’. But the weirdest thing, (and Nick told me this), is that ‘when she is taking a shit in the house, no matter where the camera crew people are, they have to shut down all cameras and mics’. So this means if the camera crew are all outside in the backyard filming Nick setting up some patio furniture, they still had to shut down while Jessica takes a shit from one of her 4 bathrooms upstairs in her mansion. Why? I have no idea and neither does Nick. Just to balance out the weirdness factor, Nick has a huge toe fetish. I swear to God, not one day didn’t pass where I’d hear Nick asking Jessica to suck her toes. And she always refused and many times looked grossed out.

Also, everyone always asks me why Nick and Jessica broke up. Well its not because of money issues. And its not because Nick was cheating. And its not because there was a power struggle over who was more successful. The real reason that they broke it off was because Jessica didn’t like sex. This drove Nick crazy and this caused a lot of fighting during the final year of their marriage. Nick was faithful. And for that he was only getting laid about 3 times a year. I remember a few times when I would walk into the house and overhear Nick yelling at Jessica upstairs somewhere. He would get so frustrated. He’d say things like “sex is healthy and natural” and “we are married. It’s okay now”. Jessica just didn’t like sex and never wanted to do it. I’m guessing her strong faithful upbringing had something to do with it. I bet Jessica’s dad, deep down, was so turned on by Jessica’s body when she hit puberty, that he infused a strong sense of shame into her psyche about her sexuality. For the lone, selfish purpose of “if I can’t have her, then nobody can.” That is just a guess, but I like that one. One time at a club, I was there with Nick, his brother Drew and his wife Karen. Nick got drunk and let slip to me that he once ate out Jessica for 40 minutes straight and it did nothing for her. He couldn’t believe it.

I knew Nick was horny too. Many times at the club sitting in our VIP booth, so many models would walk by and he would totally check them out. You could watch his drunken eyes move up and down their bodies. Then the model would pass, and Nick would look dejected and take another swig of his bud. I noticed that all the time.

After the show was cancelled and Nick and Jessica split up, I lost my job. He told me when he let me go that “it was nothing personal. He just didn’t need me anymore.’ He was nice though. He said he’d be more then happy to give me a letter of reference or maybe even make a few calls to find me another job.

I just heard that for personal reasons, Harrison Ford’s personal assistant just commited suicide. Maybe I’ll apply for that job.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Standup Joke Writing starts Jan 25 and Writing Satire for the Internet starts Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.