Today's Survey: 40 Questions to Freedom

1. Something purple within 5 feet of you?
It’s pushing the 5-foot barrier, but the tip of my throbbing…


2. The sexiest item of clothing you own?

The edible underwear I’ve had since freshman year of high school. Don’t worry, I use lemon detergent.

3. Your nails were last painted.
The day after never.

4. The weirdest thing you've ever heated in the microwave.
Freeze-dried mashed potatoes.

Science paradoxes are funny.

5. How much Japanese do you know?
Enough to get by. As long as I never go to Japan.

6. Do you look good in yellow?
Why? Do you want to piss on me?

7. Do you sing?
Why? Do you want to piss on me?

8. Ever danced naked in front of a crowd?
Please piss on me.

9. Do you spit?
This seems like one of those questions where regardless of whether I answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’, I admit to letting people cum in my mouth.

10. Least favorite color.

Think about it. Red states, communism, periods, sunburns, high terror alert, dog penis, negative balance, red tide, red skies at morning, and Clifford the Big Red Dog. Imagine how red his dick was.

11. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?

A condom from my roommate. Don't worry, I gave it back when I was done.

12. Ever had Dippin' Dots?
Yes, and I’m not sure why some pretentious fuck thought he could improve ice cream. Don’t mess with perfection, buddy.

13. Ever played an instrument?
I enjoy a good hum on the hermonica every now and then.

Seriously, I made up that term, so start injecting it into your everyday conversations. Google it. I’m third. The first two are misspellings. My ownership of the word is legit.

14. Ever had an H2O massage?
Listen. If you’re gonna piss on me, do it now. If not, you can leave.

15. Do you believe in Bigfoot?
I wasn’t aware that the existence of a monster truck was being called into question.

16. Ever been to a palm reader?
Yes, and in my future, she saw a big fan-like leaf.

17. Last Pez dispenser you purchased?
That Labatt Blue hockey helmet beer dispenser. Not really, but I wanted one real bad.

18. Have you eaten food in your current car?
Nearly every day, because I’m never ready for work at a reasonable time.

19. Did you have a good weekend?
Good by Somalian orphan standards? Yes.

Good by Hugh Hefner standards? No.

20. What are you thinking about right now?
Since when were these surveys administered by needy girlfriends?

21. Have you ever had a black eye?
Yes. That was the day I learned what a skullfuck was.

22. How is today going for you?
What’s with all the small talk? <— That could be the punchline to a really good midget joke. I’m just saying…

23. Any plans for tonight?
I’ll probably huff some paint and rub one out. No two. Two sounds good.

24. Ever photograph something that was dead?

Yes, if by “photograph”, you mean “photograph, then make love to”.

25. What’s the story behind one of your scars?

Someone hurled a TV off our 3-story roof and I decided it would be a good idea to grab it indiscriminately without gloves. Only in college…

26. If you could get plastic surgery, what would it be?

I’m gonna get Botox… my balls! I’m getting all the wrinkles out! They’re gonna be as smooth as eggs.

The reason this is so funny is because Dave Chappelle wrote it first.

27. Do you find Smurfette sexy?
I only like my chicks blue if they’re no longer breathing. Am I serious? Maybe. But I’ll tell you what I am serious about.

My commitment to necrophilia jokes.

28. Current disappointment?
Santa Claus isn’t real.

Maybe I would enjoy Christmas more now if it weren’t built atop a mountain of lies when I was a kid.

29. Do you have an air freshener in your car?
Only when I’m transporting a dead body.

30. Do you have plants in your room?
Yeah. Just don’t tell the DEA.

31. If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
Angelina Jolie’s breastmilk, straight from the source

32. Last piece of mail you opened?
A bill. Which also happens to be the answer to the last “male” I opened.

33. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My funny bone. It’s sore from making all these hilarious jokes. And also from vigorous masturbation.

34. What city was your last taxi cab ride in?
Washington DC: where the bars close at 2 and the Metro closes at midnight. Dicks.

35. Last alcoholic drink you had?
I can’t remember, and for once, it’s not because I blacked out.

36. If someone you hated died, would you laugh and spit on their grave?

I honestly wouldn’t care. There’s no reason to put stock in someone else’s life if it’s not going to be positive.

37. Do you use sarcasm?


No matter how you look at it, that’s the only possible answer to that question.

38. What were you doing at 9 PM last night?
Watching the Red Sox lose to the fucking Devil Rays

39. What is your favorite drink at Starbucks?
I don’t go there often enough to have a favorite drink. In fact, one of my favorite pastimes is not drinking coffee.

40. Do you exercise as much as you should?
No, because once you graduate high school, it’s friggin’ impossible to find a competitive league in any sport if you aren’t destined for the pros.

If you'd like to be my friend on MySpace, you must do one of three things:

1) Be a hot chick.
2) Flatter me by telling me how irresistably hilarious I am, or
3) Request to be my friend. (Although the first two can't hurt.)

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We're still looking for teams for PIC Fantasy Football. The draft isn't for 3 more weeks so you still have plenty of time to prepare for the draft and the inevitable ass-whooping that will ensue. E-mail me at [email protected] and I'll send you all the pertinent info.