As you can tell, I discontinued the “Trash My Bracket” series. This was due to a couple of reasons:

1) Duke is out, so my bracket ceases to be relevant. Yes, I’m a sore loser.

2) It’s getting harder and harder to come up with anything remotely funny to say about the games, especially because I seldom have the opportunity to watch them.

That said, I’m 100% behind George Mason. I would love to see them win it.

Today’s Survey: Twenty is Plenty

1. Red Bull or Coffee?
Neither, I prefer to achieve alertness through more natural means. Every morning, I fire up my humidifier and fill it with cocaine.
It gives me that little extra boost to kickstart my day.

2. What are you currently wearing on your feet?
Some 9 year-old Indonesian’s fine craftsmanship

3. What jewelry are you currently wearing?
I got that new custom piece from Dole Vegetables. 10 carrots in my grill, nigga!

4. Who is your cell phone provider?
The local pawn shop. I don’t ask them how they get the phones, and they don’t ask me who I slept with to get the money.

5. What was the last beach you went to?
Laguna Beach……..Season 1 on DVD last night before bed. OMG, Kristen and Stephen are like soooooooooo cute together!!!!!!11

6. Who was the last person you know to give birth?
Rosie O’Donnell

Oh, she was never pregnant? Shit, my bad.

7. If you had twins tomorrow, one boy and one girl, what would their names be?
Shock & Aww Shit This Can’t Really Be Happening

8. What shows do you record with your DVR?
The Gun Show, because I already gave away all my tickets.

9. How many miles does your car have on it?
37000, but if you asked my car, it would say 29000 with 8000 miles experience. It’s in a mid-life crisis of sorts. Pretty soon you're gonna see it driving around with some rich, new owner behind the wheel.

10. What relative of yours lives the furthest away?
Since “furthest” has no relation to distance and rather implies depth within a subject, I’m going to assume they meant “furthest away” emotionally. In which case, I’d have to say my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. He’s dead to me.

11. What's your middle name?
Sawntharooft. It seems like gibberish until you realize my full name is Dan Sawntharooft Opp. My parents are a riot.

12. Do you exercise?
I actually wrote an entire article on the subject. Shameless self-promotion!

13. What are your plans for today?
The same thing I do every day: watch “Sixteen Candles”, gorge myself with chocolate, and cry myself to sleep. Why? You want in?

14. How many credit cards do you have?
None. I pays in cash, baby! Holla!

Okay, two.

15. What color is your living room furniture?
Green, with crusty white spots. The uhhhh dog keeps ummmm drooling on the couch. Yeah, we’ll go with that.

16. Do you get carded for cigarettes?
No, but the 12 year-olds I buy them for sure as hell do.

17. Worst job you ever had?
Fluffer. (If you're unfamiliar with any terminology I use in this blog or in my column, the Urban Dictionary is a good place to start.)

18. What was the mood of the last CD you burnt?
Angry. Why else would I light a CD on fire?

19. Tell me a blonde joke.
Paris Hilton

20. What is something that you have twenty of?
Illegitimate children

If you'd like to be my friend on MySpace, you must do one of three things:

1) Be a hot chick.
2) Flatter me by telling me how irresistably hilarious I am, or
3) Request to be my friend. (Although the first two can't hurt.)

In addition to pestering me with bulletins, you'll receive notices of new Balls to the Wall articles, as well as other wacky posts like these. Friend on.