The personalized license plate has a special place in American lore. Nothing says, “I have more money than brains” or “I believe that I am actually helping some cause” or “You need to know my opinion” quite like a personalized license plate. And here in the great State of Florida, we have over eighty different ways for douchebags to display their personalities. And because Tourist Season is kicking off, I figured I would take some time out of my life to show y'all the three types of locals you tourists can feel free to pummel mercilessly while on vacation in The Sunshine State (State Motto: Duck!). Ordinarily, we don't like you coming down and beating up the Floridians but well? just because a person lives around here doesn't mean he's any less of a douche than some tobacco-chewing ass from Ohio, so we may as well put the angry to use.

If you spot any of the following three license plates while on vacation in Florida this winter, please feel free to follow the cars in question, rear-end the shit out of them and beat the owners to near-death. Really, you'll only be helping us as a state.

NOTE: I couldn't get the pictures to download, so you have to click on the links if you want to see the actual license plates in question.

The State Wildflower
For the record, Florida has an awesome State Flower. It's called the Orange Blossom and it makes certain months of the year smell like we're living inside a glass of Tuaca. Orange Blossoms are awesome.

However, some overpaid asshole decided it wasn't enough to have a State Flower and that a State Wildflower was also necessary. And so the legislature got together and voted on the prettiest fucking weed in the state. And then the 1991 legislature named the Coreopsis Florida's official wildflower. It is no less wild than the Orange Blossom but what the fuck ever, right?

Anyway, I have never known any man who would voluntarily put this on his car, but if you find him, please beat the shit out of him, fuck his girlfriend in front of him and steal his car (after ripping off the license plate and ramming it up his ass). I mean, there's no reason to honor this flower so there's no reason for this plate so there's no reason for the life of the guy who puts it on his car. If it's a chick though, I guess let it slide. Unless she's big and fat. I mean, come on tourists, I know you want to do your part to help keep Florida beautiful so help us with the fatties. They're coming down from the Northeast in droves.

Florida Sheriff's Youth Ranches
Black people die at these things. I mean, Christ on a corn dog, how can you promote something like that? Might as well just make the first three digits of your license plate, KKK. Plus, this is a prison for kids. What kind of sick fuck gets behind something like that? I don't want to know, quite frankly. But I do want him beat up.

Golf Capital of the World
One day, I was flying from Miami back to Tampa with my friend, Rich. For whatever reason, the flight took us over Naples. As we were flying over, Rich, who had the window seat, began speaking.

“Golf course,” he said.

A second later, he said it again.

“Golf course,” he said again.

A minute later, he said it again.

“Shit man, three more golf courses,” he said roughly two minutes later.

“Hey Nate,” he said. “Who really plays this much fucking golf?”

“Unfortunately,” I replied. “The bulk of the people in the state.”

“Someone should really think about thinning the herd,” he said.

And he's right. There are entirely too many golfers in this state, and well, those who feel like advertising their golfness deserve to get beat to death with their own seven irons, unless (and I cannot stress this enough) they are over seventy years old. At seventy, you can put whatever you want on your license plate and everyone can go to hell because you're probably one cigar away from death anyway, so you've earned the right to say whatever the hell you want. Plus, killing old people is a sign of weak character. Trust me, I know a guy who robbed a senior citizen and nobody likes him.

Come to think of it, if you want, you can beat that dude up, too.

Anyway ladies and gents, the heat has broken down here in the F L A. The weather's perfect, the sun is shining and the tourists are coming.

So they might as well beat up a few people for the good of the state.

Man, I wish I was governor.