Some random thoughts on the fast food industry as I watch the Indians pitch around David Ortiz so Manny can hit a 3-run dong….

• Attention Taco Bell! Lettuce should be a complementary ingredient in a meal, not the main course.

• A company should not publicly advertise an offer that their franchisees will not honor. I heard a commercial on the radio for 6-piece McNuggets for a buck. I got so excited I almost drive my car off a bridge. Over the following weeks, I went to no fewer than six McDonald's in search of such a deal, and not one – NOT ONE – was participating in the promotion. What kind of bullshit is that?

• Speaking of chicken nuggets, why would anyone in their right mind order the larger serving instead of the value menu serving? Allow me to elaborate.

A 4-piece McNugget at McDonald’s costs $1.00. A 10-piece costs $3.59.

A 5-piece chicken tender at Burger King cost 99 cents. An 8-piece costs $2.59.

“Who are the idiots buying the larger portions?” you ask. My mom, for one.

The following was an actual exchange between myself and my mom while ordering at Burger King.

Mom (to cashier): I’ll have an 8-piece chicken tender.

Me: Mom, you know a 5-piece is only a dollar, right? If you order two, you can get two more nuggets for 60 cents less.

Mom: Well, I don’t want 10. I want 8.

Me: Well, you can always get the two 5-pieces and not eat the last two when you get to that point.

Mom: Quit being difficult.

She then proceeded to order the 8-piece chicken tenders.

…and to think this woman made significant contributions to my genetic make-up.

• You know those height-measuring stickers they put near the doors of fast food joints and convenience stores? Well, the one at the Burger King near my place is set about a foot too high. I suggest all white males in the New Haven area between 5’0” and 5’4” start preparing their alibis now. I need some quick cash.

• I think squeeze bottles and pumps should be the only legal methods for dispensing condiments. Packets are very practical for distribution; they’re light, durable, and cheap. However, one thing the packaging wizards at Heinz forgot to consider is that, at some point, somebody is going to want to get the ketchup out of the packet. According to the Department of Fabrication, over 10,000 tons of ketchup are needlessly left inside used ketchup packets every year because it's impossible to squeeze all of the ketchup out of the damn things.

As frustrating as packets can be, glass jars are even worse. Extracting the contents from a glass jar requires slapping it around like it let my dinner get cold. If the jar is being particularly uncooperative, I have to plunge a knife in it, but this only happens if my dinner is cold AND I find it full of someone else’s mayonnaise.