As far back as I can remember, Adam Carolla always wanted to be a gangster. Let’s face it: there has to be some explanation for how this guy continues to get shows. He has to have some affiliation with La Cosa Nostra or something. I mean, let’s look at his “career” for a moment.

”Loveline” – Remember this show? Remember how it actually gave some redeeming value to MTV? Here’s the clincher: remember that Carolla wasn’t that redeeming value? Yeah, this show was carried by Dr. Drew Pinsky. Carolla was just enough of an “average guy” to keep things reasonable. When “Loveline” first began as a talk-radio program, Pinsky ran things solo. Perhaps Carolla’s “edginess” is what got the show nationally syndicated. Yeah, and it’s his refined wit that made “The Man Show” popular. I’ve a suspicion that Carolla was asked to host “Loveline” after Dr. Drew engaged in the following conversation:

Armed Thug: We’ve an offer you’d likely not refuse.
(clicks the safety on his gun)
Dr. Drew: Likely? Are there days when I’d “likely” rather be shot?
Probably-Armed Thug: Look. What my associate is trying to say is that we’ve someone who’d like to propose a business partnership of sorts.
Dr. Drew: I’m a Health and Human Relations Expert and a Medical Doctor. I’m not sure what type of “business” you’re looking for.
Armed Thug: I'm saying that you’re going to hire Adam Carolla as cohost of “Loveline.” Got it?
Dr. Drew: Oh. Well, what can he bring to the show?
Armed Thug: He’s kinda funny.
Probably–Armed Thug: Yeah, that’s it. He’s just, y’know – funny. People can relate to him.
Carolla: What do you mean I’m “funny”? Am I a clown-type person here for your amusement? Am I an “otherwise waste of airtime that could be better devoted to static and infomercials” kinda funny? Or am I just riding the hype of media successes like late night talk-shows, home building reality shows, and animated adult humor?
Dr. Drew (to Thugs): Does anyone ever really listen to what he’s saying?
Armed Thug: Not really. Anyway, we’re just doing Mr. Kimmel a favor.
Probably-Armed Thug: Yeah, it was either get him a show or surgically scrape him off Kimmel’s scrotum. I’ve a feeling we’re going to have to do both though.

”Drawn Together” – Ever actually watched a full episode of this show? Ever tried to tutor a pothead in organic chemistry? I’m sure both are equivocally pointless. Sometimes, you don’t have to give things the benefit of a doubt. I can understand what drew Carolla to the show: unemployment brings out the whore in all of us.

”Up Late With Adam Carolla” – All I can say is that if I’m up this late watching Comedy Central, the last thing I want to do is hear what’s on Adam Carolla’s mind. “Tough Crowd” was often too high-brow and scattered-brained for the network. Well, “Up Late” addresses the high-brow issue. I swear, between “Mind of Mencia” and the old-SNL-to-new-Mad TV* switch of a few years back, it’s safe to say that Comedy Central has locked the “idiots-watching-idiots” demographic. I’d say more about the “Up Late,” but I can’t sit through an episode without experiencing precursory brain aneurisms.

I would have listed “The Man Show,” but it's already clear the show (like Carolla himself) rode in on the nut-sack of Kimmel and his successful stint with Ben Stein. Maybe I’m being overly critical once again. Maybe I’m just tired of seeing and hearing commercials for Carolla’s upcoming show on The Learning Channel. Maybe I like to end my rants with alternative rationales for my line of thought because maybe I have multiple personalities and a disassociative identity disorder. Maybe I have a gun pointed against my head. I guess what I’m saying is watch “The Adam Carolla Project”…or else.

(As a side note: Mad TV was redeemable at one point. What the fuck happened?)