Football coaches at every level like to talk about mythical intangibles like ”heart” and ”effort”. Small, white (unless its Hines Ward) receivers, like Wes Welker and Greg Camarillo are often on the receiving end of verbal handjobs from the various talking heads for their ”Gritty-ness.'. Here's an accurate dramatization…..

(After an unimpressive 8 yard completion in the 1st quarter)

Jaws: Guys look at Wes Welker, he must watch a ton of film to find a hole in the Saints defense!

Gruden: Look at Brady back there stepping up with the football! (Getting louder for no reason) Wes Welker sees the hole and goes to GET the FOOTBALL! I tell you this guy leads the National Football League in GRIT! (Continues getting louder) I call him the GRITINATOR!

Jaws: That's how you run a hook route in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!

The point of the announcers doing this ass-hattery is to act as if they can see something you can't. Here's the real fact of football: size and strength, when a coach doesn't fuck it up too much, wins out 75% of the time. Why is this? Size is always given a 2nd chance, a 3rd, a 4th chance to develop. It's the 1st thing a high school coach looks for in prospective freshmen players. Who cares if their incredibly out of shape and don't try hard? Get Jeremy another Obesity Bag from Burger King! We need to get bigger upfront! I can honestly say I only tried hard one of my three years playing high school football. Why was I around for three? Because I weighed 280 pounds and was told I should be good at football. Now if I was 140 pounds would I have gotten the same chance? Fuck no. I would've been the ”attitude problem.'. Football is a game of very large men knocking the dicks off of the merely large ones. These next three weeks of the season are, along with week one, my favorite. Why? Because with bad weather and strong winds coming, NFL coaches, a group that makes the Amish look daring, turn to their pound-it-out, beat you up style. The ”Shotgun Triple Reverse Pass” is replaced by the ”I-Heavy Punch The Other Guy In The Fucking Face.” I like high scoring games as much as the next guy, but there is something incredibly awesome about watching two teams of a total 106 MEN beat the shit out of each other for three-plus hours. It's like the best UFC fight you've ever seen, but it's twelve times as long and 90% of the crowd doesn't have two sexual assaults on their record and a closet full of Affliction T's and suppressed homosexuality. Unless it's in Philly. On to the fucking games!

Browns vs Steelers
Wait this one already happened! Shit I was watching Jersey Shore on Thursday night! Well lemme just check the score…….

/Spits out Redbull….

/Laughs for 30 minutes straight….

/Masturbates furiously…..

The Early Games

Saints vs Falcons
Has any group of fans ever been as fucking retarded as Falcons fans? You draft a new franchise QB to replace your old one, who you know left your team in the shitter by going to JAIL! Yet, when disgraced jailbait dip-shit QB comes back to town and scores on a short run against your broken condom of a defensive line, all of a sudden ”WE NEED MIKE BACK!” Shut the fuck up and go back to doing the two things everyone in the ATL does in their spare time: (1) Ignoring the Braves and Hawks. (2) Shooting each other.

Packers vs Bears
This game will be billed by the C-level announcers assigned to it as some game for the ages between two hard-nosed football teams. The truth is while the Packers can occasionally play tough football, this years Bears team is softer than wet shit-tickets. It's led by Jay Cutler, a wanna be coverboy-turned cry baby, who will undoubtably show off some of the worst body language shown by anyone associated with sports since Tim Tebows date to this years college football awards show.

(Go ahead look her up….)

(Yes, I'm an asshole.)

Broncos vs Colts
Colts win. Colts Clinch the #1 seed. Colts coast into the playoffs. Colts lose in the playoffs to a team with good defensive tackles. Same old shit. Congrats Indy! You've become the missionary position of the NFL!

Bengals vs Vikings
This should be a good one. So many things going on in this game that just two seasons ago seemed impossible. Brett Favre in a Vikings uniform? A group of non-felon Bengals? Cedric Benson-Pro Bowler? 2007 me would've said ”Child Please”. Then probably ate four Hotpockets.

(Speaking of the Vikings, I'd be a dick if I didn't mention Vikings fan and dick-joke connoisseur Drew Magary. He helped name this young upstart blog. Read his high-minded vulgarity at

Jets vs Bucs
Rex Ryans chance to hit up some fine strip clubs.

Dolphins vs Jaguars
If it's blacked out, it doesn't deserve more than one sentence.

Lions vs Ravens
To simulate the sacking of hefty Lions QB Dante Culpepper, the Ravens brought in a Queen Latifah blow-up doll filled with concrete.

Seahawks vs Texans
Shaub vs Hasselbeck! Its a male pattern baldness battle to the DEATH!

Bills vs Chiefs
What's that you say? No one cares? But Jammal Charl….ok I'll just skip this one.

Panthers vs Patriots
When Matt Moores your Quarterback, you have no Quarterback.

The Late Games

Chargers vs Cowboys
Norv Turners emotional return to the city he'll probably be coaching in after he's fired and Jerry Jones needs another push over. You'll be able to see his facial scarring tingling right into your living room.

Skins vs Raiders
After his performance in last weeks win vs the Steelers, Raiders QB Bruce Gradkowski was reportedly neck deep in methhead pussy.

Rams vs Titans
Wouldn't it be cool if the Titans said ”fuck it” and tried to get Chris Johnson the single game rushing record in this one? Against this defense it'd probably only take 20 carries.

NBC'S Sunday Night Game/ Leno Commercial

Eagles vs Giants
Earlier in the year Brian Westbrook cost me a fantasy football win by suffering a concussion. Fuck that guy. Go Giants.


Cardinals vs Niners
One of my roommates is a 49er's fan. This is how I know hes not a prick. A prick would've jumped off that bandwagon a LONG time ago. He also roots for a San Francisco-based sports team, which explains the homosexual tendencies.

Enjoy the games everyone….

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or email.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.