By Harold B. Longfellow XIV, Ph.D.
Welcome to the first issue (episode? Installment? Chapter? I dunno.) of PRFCRYTV. Watch for next segment’s name suggestion contest. Anyway, as you may have guessed, I’m esteemed pretentious film critic Harold Bobbinsworth Longfellow XIV, Ph.D. That cockslobber Ebert (or is it Siskel? I don’t remember which one’s still alive.) and I had a spat years ago, and since it happened that he made it big first, he’s kept me blackballed in Hollywood. So here I sit, confined to the underground that is the internet, writing for you heathens and mongrels. My colleagues have suggested that I keep my topic selection at a level you can understand, and so it is that I will debase myself by writing about the dimwitted displays of bad judgment you post on YouTube.com.
I couldn’t get through writing this first section listening to the tripe people record about their lives in YouTube diaries for the world to see, and because art films would obviously be over your heads, the topic of the day is “Punched in the Face.” Let’s get this over with.
The video that started it all. I was immediately unimpressed when the first punch sounded like a little girl’s slap, but it turns out these people just know how to manipulate your emotions. Before the disappointment can fully sink in, you notice the dull glint of aluminum. You know what’s going to happen, and yet the sound of metal on face still makes you gasp. Points for the drama, but we’ll be taking some off for the poor quality of the video and the fact that you’re both 11. You shouldn’t be using a computer. Go outside.
Stars: 3 (of 4)
This video so badly wants to use a dramatic buildup that builds the excitement of the (anti)climactic punch at the end. Its problem, of course, is that I had time to alt tab out of that window to write the first sentence with plenty of time to switch back for the punch. Also, Tina honestly just isn’t that hot. If she had a tight little body in a bikini, then she’d be worth punching. Because when I’m a famous film critic I’m going to have a fetish for beating women as an expression of the inferiority complex they gave me when I was still living in my mom’s basement blogging.
Stars: 1.5 (of 4)
If this film were a woman, it would be the kind that gives such good head that when she tells you she won’t blow you unless she can put a finger in your ass, you have to hesitantly agree, remembering to take a picture of her so when people find out you can offer a poor justification about how hot she is. It’s the kind of thoughtless comedy that you can sit at for a half hour watching over and over, because it just seems to make the universe better. It’s the perfectly constructed video, and as soon as this troglodyte’s utterly cacophonous voice says he’s got a new webcam, you instantly think “PUNCH IN THE FACE!” and there God is to make the world perfect for a split second. A good square punch, the kid’s face is out of frame, and a well deserved thumbs up. That’s what those of us with a basic level of filmic competency call brilliant use of mise-en-scène. Simply a great film.
Stars: 4(out of 4)
A passable attempt at cinema, at best. The quality of video is appalling, and there’s nothing that resembles a plot. A few points for the fact that the fist was swift and surprising, but that’s about the only thing keeping this film from falling to an abysmal level.
Stars: 2(out of 4)
These young rapscallions are eight years old and they’re already putting out high quality films. The camerawork, though not extraordinary, was at least steady, and the lead in certainly allows the viewer just enough time to ponder what may follow. The acting, however, is what brings this piece into the spotlight. Our poor victim, who is undoubtedly not acting, gets punched in the face by our porky yet iniquitous antagonist. When this masked villain stands triumphant, we cannot help but share in the triumph for a brief second, though we loathe ourselves for it. Powerful characters make this film one that will not be omitted from the annals of history.
Stars: 3.5 (out of 4)
This just looks like the work of children.
Stars 1 (out of 4)
And so you have it – the first act of our little drama comes to a close. Please, try not the bathe in your own filth, and for the love of God don’t stalk me. Or punch me in the face. Hoodlums.