By contributing writer Michael Sarko

Every now and then, we college students need some time off from class, but not at the expense of taking an unexcused absence. So what do you do when no one in your family has died recently and no sickness has taken hold of your fragile, sleep-deprived body? You make shit up. But not just any shit—some thoughtful, calculated, and ultimately ludicrous shit that you will cowardly email along to your professor. Shit that if you attempted to pull on him in person would have you spitting up after two lines trying to withhold laughter.

Nevertheless, behind your computer you are safe to experiment with all kinds of fancy excuses. Here are a few emails you may consider sending to one of your professors when you decide it's time to reach into the grab bag of desperation. (Feel free to type them up on notebook paper as indicated below. Most professors have a drop box.)

1. Mental Health Day

Professor Smith,

You may or may not be aware, but I was recently diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. Let's just say today's not one of our “better days.” For the safety of you, the students, myself, my other self, and my possible other selves which I have yet to confront, I feel it would be best if we (all) just stayed home today. Please take into consideration the fact that most mentally disturbed people are of above average intelligence.

Sincerely,
Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman

2. Feigning Incoherence

pRiofvwsdrt SMotg,

i xan;t seewm tpo feeel; myt fumngerts., PLeader rexcvusae mme freom cl;assd. lill xexplanan laeseter; eoyuour thes bestet!!133!

3. Minority Student Defense

Professor Smith,

I'm under a lot of pressure right now and I don't really have much time to explain why I won't be in class today. Ok, basically, I'm black. Maybe you already noticed…I can't remember if I've been to class yet or not. Anyway, seeing how I have to barricade my door here in a minute (all I can say is that it involves the KKK amateur football team, twenty jock straps, and a gallon of Icy-Hot), I can only hope that some aspect of equal opportunity, affirmative action, or civil rights reform will cover this absence. If not, expect a lawsuit? J/K!

Sincerely,
Token

4. I Only Have Eyes For You

Professor Smith,

I don't know quite how to say this. It's really rather awkward. See, it turns out the girl I've been stalking has secretly been stalking me as well. Around 3:00AM we simultaneously kidnapped each other and somehow chained one another up in a mutual friend's basement. Needless to say, I will be absent from class today. Blame it on the chains. I would be sending this to you in the form of magazine clippings, but my stalker-stalkee is reluctant to share her periodicals. If you want to find out who she is, ask around until you find a colleague who got a similar email. You can make a game of it.

Sincerely,
Parker Brothers

5. To Be Used On A Monday

Professor Smith,

Due to certain activities that took place this past weekend, I will not be able to attend your recitation on particle physics. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I assure you, my circumstances are trying. You see, I was very drunk, she was very fat, her father was very rich, and I should really get to a hospital if I want this hamster to survive.

Sincerely,
Cold and Confused

6. Quantum Leap of Faith

Professor Smith,

I will not be able to turn in my paper today, but my reasons are varied and of great importance. Early this morning, Scott Bakula quantumly leaped into my body for the sake of altering a moment in history. According to Ziggy's readings, I should be back to normal in 8 hours, 37 minutes, and 52 seconds.

Sincerely,
Michael J. Fox

7. Bangers and Hashpipe

Dearest Professor Smith,

Very early this capital morning I was washing up in the WC when I realized I had spontaneously turned British. “Bollocks!” I thought, because I know our class is having its quarterly examination this very day. However, this morning I just can't bring myself to saying “schedule” as if there were a K in it, “herb” as if there were no H, or endure another midday without tea time. Rather than receive a certain thrashing from my peers by jolly way of my inherent British wryness, I feel it would be tops if I were allowed some respite. It would be ever so smashing if you would overlook this small transgression of mine.

Cheers,
The Strapping Young Bloke in the Front

Well kids, I hope some of these emails will help you get a chuckle out of your troubles every now and then. Until my next bout of boredom, have a nice day.

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There are no excuses for missing class, moron!

Who do you think you are anyway? It's called skipping. Get used to it.

**ENROLLMENT EXTENDED THRU JAN 23** Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion and #1 NYT bestselling author, created Comedy Business School to teach you exactly how to do it through 5 learning modules.