By contributing writer John Peugeot

Whatcha looking at, geeknose, huh?

What'd you just say to me?

Listen punk, I will personally come over there and whip your ass like light cream cheese. You understand me? Comprendez-frenchais, dirtbag?

Whoa, whoa, hold on a second…

Wait, that is not what I meant…

Oh, no, don't you put this on me.

I started it? No, you started it.

I am not “overly-aggressive.”

Well, I thought your tone was disrespectful.

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know you just lost your job. I know what that feels like.

If it makes you feel any better, I've been looking for this tree all day. No luck.

Yeah, I know it sucks.

Well, you should have said your sister was in the hospital.

I hear that’s pretty serious.

Yeah, I know what elective surgery is.

Gee, I feel like a complete jerk.

No, I'm not even sure what a geeknose is. I’m such an asshole. I’m sorry.

No, no, your tone wasn’t even that bad. I’m just super-sensitive today.

Don’t say that.

No way, buddy, I'm a way bigger jerk than you. Not even a contest. Grand-prize winner, right here.

No, no, I'm worse.

Trust me I’ve done some nasty shit in my life.

That ain’t nothing, buddy. Let me tell you a story about my grandmother, a locked broom closet and fourteen hundred dollars I needed for a guy named Pincher. Trust me, I’m a way bigger jerk than you.

I am too.

What did I just say?

Listen here you piece of pidgeon shit, I am the jerkiest person you've ever met, got that?

Oh, you want me to prove it, huh?

Well, have you met my two best friends, Kill and Maim?

No, they're not “real people.”

They're my biceps. It's a metaphor. They're big is what I'm trying to say.

Oh, you don't think they're that big, do you? What are you, a biceptologist?

How much can you dead lift?

Dead lifting is not for pussies.

That’s it, geeknose, I am coming over there to tie a noose around your neck made of your own pubic hair.

No, it would not take all day.

No, I haven’t done it before. It’s an expression. I wasn’t really going to rip out your pubic hair.

You better believe I know how to fashion a noose.

Yeah, I know it’s a double knot.

Oh yeah, well I knew you were testing me and I failed on purpose just to piss you off.

That’s just cruel, that’s what that is.

You want to know something, buddy?

Okay, that is really over the line.

My mother is a goddamn saint!

You better take that last part back.

Okay, this is getting out of… Jesus.

How can you even tell that? I’m wearing a thick shirt.

It does too hide my back hair.

Okay, you tricked me there. I meant if I had back hair the shirt would hide it.

It is not sprouting out like a fucking chia-pet.

You know what, you’re not even worth it, fatnose.

I could too.

Why don’t you make me?

No, because you can’t, fatnose. That’s why.

That is what I’m saying.

Until you prove otherwise, tuff-guy.

Someone ought to clean your mouth out with soap, you know that?

Holy god in heaven.

What does that even mean?

Oh yeah? Well, you better watch yourself, pal. My brother-in-law is a cop over in Livermore.

Maybe it is and maybe it’s not.

He does too love me.

Listen, how would you even know?

Oh, aren’t you clever. You know what, go fuck yourself you fucking dirtbag piece of monkey-shit hemorrhoid.

Hey, honey. I didn’t see you over there. You done shopping?

What’s that? No, no. Me and the kid over here were just joking around. Having some laughs. Isn’t that right, buddy?

THAT IS IT, geeknose…