Schuyler Colfax: Mr. President. Mr. President? You're passed out. Ulysses S. Grant!
Ulysses S. Grant: Bah… Schule, get ready to siege Vicksburg. The South is done.
Schuyler Colfax: The war is over. You're the president now, remember? Where did you get that whiskey? And what about the 8 weeks in rehab? Did you learn nothing?
Ulysses S. Grant: Don't tell me what to do, I am the president, I'll break this bottle and cut your balls off. Jesus, a man can't even have a night cap without someone telling him he has a problem.
Schuyler Colfax: It's 11:30 in the morning and you're at your desk, you're nowhere near any bed.
Ulysses S. Grant: Well that explains why I feel like shit.
Schuyler Colfax: No, you feel like that because you're a dumb drunk who happened to luckily win a war by sitting outside of a worthless town for three months, then rode that bullshit story until you somehow became president.
Ulysses S. Grant: What? Why the hell are you in here?
Schuyler Colfax: Jefferson Davis has been spotted in South Carolina. We think he is resurrecting the Separatist Movement in the South.
Ulysses S. Grant: Well fuck… shoot him then, my head hurts. Bring me a hooker to take my mind off this headache.
Schuyler Colfax: …We can't just shoot him. We have to arrest him and put him on trial. You know, like the Constitution says.
Ulysses S. Grant: Riiiight…. Bring him in here, I'll be judge, jury and executioner.
Schuyler Colfax: Who do you think you are? Judge Judy?
Ulysses S. Grant: Who the hell is Judge Judy?
Schuyler Colfax: Uh…no one, sorry. I was fooling around in the basement and found Washington's crystal ball, then some crazy vision happened, and…it was nothing. Besides, we haven't caught him yet.
Ulysses S. Grant: Can no one in this country do anything right? Bunch of hookers you are. I remember when a man misbehaved we would buck and gag* him.
Schuyler Colfax: I don't think we would be allowed to gag and rape Jefferson Davis…
Ulysses S. Grant: You ever compare me to one of them homosexuals again, and see what happens!
Schuyler Colfax: You'll buck and gag me?
Ulysses S Grant: If by buck and gag you mean slit your throat, then yes, that's what I am going to do. Now, back to more pressing matters, where did you see him at?
Schuyler Colfax: South Carolina.
Ulysses S. Grant: Okay, pack my pistol, a case of whiskey, and find us the first train to Carolina. We got some citizens arrests to make.
Schuyler Colfax: You're kidding right? You have a meeting with the Prime Minister of France tomorrow.
Ulysses S. Grant: No! Fuck that! We got a traitor in our midst's. It's time I send him to hell! There can only be one president!
Schuyler Colfax: God damnit, I can't believe he just made a Highlander reference.
Ulysses S. Grant: What are you mumbling about? Get the preparations together Shule…. Where are my pants?!
* * *
(5 days later)
Jefferson Davis: And I say to you all, we may have lost once, but now, now is the time we rise again! We will march to the North and– Ulysses??
Ulysses S. Grant: Davis *hiccup* Jefferson, I challenge you to a duel.
Jefferson Davis: What? Ulysses, you do realize I am a war hero, an expert marksman who trained many soldiers during the Mexican-American War, that dueling is illegal, and that you're drunker than the Irish?
Ulysses S. Grant: I'll duel you right now, on that very stage, in front of this asshole.
Crowd Member: Did the president just call me an asshole?
Ulysses S. Grant: Asshole, after I duel Davis, you're next. Davis! Are you going to duel me you hooker?
Jefferson Davis: No, I'm not. And don't call me a hooker you drunk.
Crowd Member: Yeah, I'm not going to duel you either, and I'm not an asshole!
The modern version of buck and gag me.Ulysses S. Grant: Schule! Buck and gag this asshole.
Schuyler Colfax: Oh, I'll get right on that. Hey, asshole…
Crowd Member: I'm not an asshole!
Schuyler Colfax: I know. Just sort of move to the back of the crowd, Ulysses is drunk, he'll forget you're here.
Ulysses S. Grant: Is he detained?
Schuyler Colfax: Ready to be gagged and raped, sir.
Ulysses S Grant: Excellent! Give me my pistol.
Jefferson Davis: You're not going to give him a weapon, are you?
Schuyler Colfax: It's not loaded.
Ulysses S. Grant: Jefferson Davis, now is the time, draw your weapon!
Jefferson Davis: I don't have a weapon!
Ulysses S Grant: Fuck you faggot, this is for America!
(Six gun shots echo through the air)
Jefferson Davis: Jesus Christ, you said it wasn't loaded!
Schuyler Colfax: Who fucking loaded the pistol!
Ulysses S. Grant: I did it on the train… when you pissed. You pissed sitting down… ahahaha!
Schuyler Colfax: What are you talking about?
Ulysses S. Grant: Jefferson is dead! Long live the Confederacy!
Schuyler Colfax: You mean America.
Ulysses S. Grant: My stomach is grumbling.
Schuyler Colfax: You just pissed yourself.
Ulysses S. Grant: I did it for… America.
Jefferson Davis: Did he just pass out in his vomit and piss?
Schuyler Colfax: Yeah. He did.
Crowd Member: He wasn't serious about gagging and raping me… was he?
Jefferson Davis: There is an old war legend about Grant, terrible and horrible things were told.
Crowd Member: Like what…?
Jefferson Davis: Butthole pleasures. A lot of butthole pleasures.
*Buck and gag is a Civil War term referring to punishing a soldier. I couldn't find what the punishment would actually be, so I just assume it means raping a man in the nearest barn.