We know exactly what you want this school year. You’re about to enter eighth grade. Someone finally taught you about blow jobs (can you let us know what those are?) and you’re ready to let loose. Rumor has it all the cool girls are dressing slutty this year, so you need to step up! Who cares what your mom says?

Ok, yes, she will be buying these clothes for you, but you’re in eighth grade, remember? You hate her now despite her birthing you and protecting you with all her heart.

Here’s what you NEED to be buying with her card to win the hearts of all the boys, specifically Jason and only Jason from Chemistry, because he’s your future husband and you are destined to be together.

Bikini and Flip Flops

Some would say wearing a bikini to school is a bit much, but trust us, everyone is doing it this year at Matthew Morrison Junior High. Wear it on a Friday, and you can easily trick people into thinking you’re heading to the hottest pool party after school. When Jason sees you wearing this in chemistry class, he’s gonna cream his jeans so hard that the frog he’s dissecting will come back to life!


Now that you’re the oldest at junior high, you need to ACT like it. You’re way beyond Gap, Limited Too, and other gross lame kid shit. Show the world you are mature, and that you are an RN who works 80-hour weeks with her own baby at home with no time for family, friends, or lovers, besides Jason of course. When he sees you in your scrubs, he’s gonna go full Grey’s Anatomy on you!

Martha Washington’s Vintage Gown

Long. Dresses. Are. Everything. There, we said it. They’re cute, fashionable, and leave a LOT up to the imagination. Turns out, they recently had to dig up Martha Washington’s body because of a lawsuit or something, and now her gown is up for sale! Beg your mom to buy this one-of-a-kind piece for you. You’ll be the talk of the town and turn EVERY head in the halls, partially because of the dead person smell. Pair it with combat boots and Jason will want to take you for a night out dancing at the local saloon, or whatever they did back then.

Jason’s Mom’s Clothes

Yeah, this one will be tricky, but it’ll be well worth it. We’ve been reading up on Freud, and we honestly think this guy has a lot of interesting ideas! Listen, all a guy wants in a girl is a spitting image of his mother. So, what better way to do this than wearing his mother’s clothes? All you have to do is head to Jason’s house at 184 Livingston Ave, (we’ve already broken the front door lock for you!), head inside and go upstairs. There, you’ll find Debra’s closet. Have a field day!

When you wear it to school, Jason will be entranced by your J. Crew outfit and very familiar scent, and immediately fall head over heels for you. YOU! Your beautiful, authentic self.