Am I understanding you correctly? You don’t want to round up your grocery bill and donate 43 cents to “Happy Smiles Across America”? You’re absolutely sure?

I see. And were you born a frigid bitch or did life’s small cruelties mold you into one?

I know your type: Decked out in athleisure, NPR blasting in your ear drums, something called “protein waffle mix” in your shopping cart. You disgust me. I’m asking for a fraction of the money you’re putting towards those chalky-ass waffles and you deny me.

I’ve been displaying this message in this grocery store since 2019, and do you know how many people have donated in that time? Four. All of them had seizures and accidentally pressed “yes.”

Are you worried about what actually happens to the money you donate at checkout? You shouldn’t be. Here is what happens: we put your 43 cents in a standard white envelope and we write “Happy Smiles Across America” on it. Then we put that right in the blue mailbox on the corner. No address. We trust that it’ll get where it needs to go.

What does “Happy Smiles Across America,” do, exactly? Well, wouldn’t you like to know. You may think it has something to do with dentistry, or cleft palates, maybe. You would be wrong. It’s neither of those things. You’ll never know what it actually is because you decided your 43 cents was more important than your duty to your fellow man. And don’t even think of frantically Googling us while the cashier isn’t looking. All that comes up is a broken website from 2005 that will make your smartphone overheat and die.

Why do you think “Happy Smiles Across America” has a broken website from 2005? It’s because they can’t pay their marketing manager, because they have no revenue. They have no revenue because these checkout donations are the only way they make money. Now the marketing manager has quit to work for TOMs and that is your fault, somehow.

People are shuffling and muttering behind you in the checkout line. That’s right, they all saw you start to press “no,” and they know what kind of person you are. They’re all murmuring to themselves, “This selfish hag. She can’t even spare 43 cents for sweet little dogs to have happy smiles.” That’s right, what this charity does involves sweet little dogs. That’s the only hint you’re gonna get.

I see that you’re gathering your grocery bags and not making eye contact with me– Wait, wait, before you go, can I interest you in donating $50 instead? Ah, yes, my price has gone up. You best donate before the end of this sentence or– Oh no, now it’s $200.

Sure you don’t want to press “yes”? Press yes and all of this noise will go away. Doesn’t that sound nice? A $200 tax deductible donation to “Happy Smiles Across America,” and all you have to do is press ye– Ah, I see you’re pressing yes and it’s not working, the button’s a little sticky, you really gotta press it quickly but firmly like– Okay, ow, ow, stop, that’s enough.

Fine! Just go. You’ve gotten away with it this time. Just know that I know your PIN number is “1234,” and I’m always here, in this Whole Foods, waiting.