By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf


The year 2005 is well upon us. Cars are not flying. Michael Jackson’s not in jail. No one has figured out a way to physically create super-model-esque women from spare automobile parts and cereal. Let’s face it, the future sucks. This is hardly the kind of world in which I want to live. So, as anyone does when they want to fix something they have absolutely no control over, I’m typing out some suggestions as to how we can improve life as we know it in the United States and abroad and shipping it off to Court Sullivan and Company. Probably works better than writing my congressman, eh? (Side note: Have you ever written your congressman? I haven’t. I have absolutely no clue who he even is—or who he odd is for that matter—and I make voting a regular habit. I’ll bet the kind of people who write congressmen are the same kind of people who complain about the quality of Denny’s food.)

Anyway, as anyone who knows me can attest, when I get mad I vent. This is just my style. In the worlds of 311, you gotta take a moment to have a fit once in a while.

I want steroids legal in every sport including the Olympics. If the athletes really cared, they’d go the extra mile. Look at me, sometimes I use caffeine to get through a day of work, but does Bud Selig even do so much as return my phone calls? Damn right he doesn’t. Fuckin’ slouch.

If they’re gonna keep on with this Iraq war nonsense, I want better coverage. I say from now on, we strap a camera on one medic and one infantryman per unit. I want to see the carnage close up. I want to see the heads split open and the cars explode. Mainly though, I just want to see some of those sweet, hot Iraqi women get gang-raped on live television. We all have our quirks.


The year 2025 promises to bring digital cameras the size of electrons undergoing nuclear fission.

I want each professional sports team to have its own television channel during the season and I want that channel to operate 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I want cameras everywhere in the stadiums, in the offices and in the homes of all players who have hot wives. I won’t mind paying for this, but not more than $100 a month.

I want Florida to change the age of consent to sixteen. There’s um, this one check-out girl at the grocery store…. Anyway, it needs to be done.

Finally, I want America to get rid of its fiat based money system and return to the gold standard so we can curb inflation and give the American businessman a chance. Such a move would allow us to abolish the UN, the IMF and NATO (or at least to discontinue our role in said proponents of world socialism) and give the American government back to the American people, who are totally ready to turn the White House into one bitchin’ nightclub.

I understand that reaching these goals is both logical and necessary for the betterment of society, and I understand that society is way too stupid to consider thinking like I think, which is damn near perfect. So I know that none of these changes will get made in my lifetime. That being said, I’ll settle for a blowjob and a sandwich.

Okay, fine. Just a sandwich.

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