Guys, I know you think girls are tres complicated. We over-analyze, over-exaggerate, and overreact. We get mad at you for no reason, we cry when Bambi’s mother dies, and we don’t understand your obsession with Halo. However when it comes to our daily lives, this may come as a shock, but we are a lot like you (with the exception that we don’t take craps, but you already knew that). We think about sex hourly (I know, not every five minutes, but I said we’re a LOT like you, not your fucking clone), we sit around and do nothing, we don’t clean up, and we don’t shower everyday; in other words, we’re not the put-together princesses that you get off to every night. So to give you guys a better idea of what it’s really like to be a girl in college, I present to you, a day in the mind of a single girl:

Fuck, I’m late.
How many times have I missed this class already?
Four. Damnit.
I don’t own any clothes.
Everything’s dirty, everything I own is dirty.
I need quarters.
Hmm, I wonder if anyone IMed me while I was sleeping…
No, I need to get ready for class.
Whatever, it will only take a minute.
, , , , , , , , .
Why am I checking my away messages, I should be getting ready for class.
I wonder if I have any email…
Don’t check it. DO NOT CHECK IT.
Damnit, no email.

Maybe if I just put on big sunglasses no one will notice I didn’t shower…
Or brush my teeth.
Yeah, big sunglasses are hot.
Damn I look good.
Why did that girl just look at me like that, who is she…
I’m definitely hotter than her. Ha.
Who is that guy, I’ve never seen him before…
Why didn’t he check me out?
Actually I’d never do him.
Oh…that’s probably his girlfriend, alright it’s okay.

Where is the cute guy that’s in this class.
Please come, please please co—
Oh sweet, he’s here.
And he’s sitting next to me.
I wonder what he’s like in bed.
I would dominate him…haha, I’m so dirty.
Ew, I’m not dirty.
I probably smell though…and I have to pee.
I should’ve gone to the bathroom before I left.
Damnit, I was too busy checking my fucking email.
I wonder if I have any voicemails…

Wow that class went fast.
I’m hungry.
That guy is hot.
I wonder if he has a girlfriend.
I’d definitely do him.
I’m probably hotter then his girlfriend.
I’m so conceited, god, I should shutup…
Oh whatever it’s just me.
Oh no wait, is that the guy with the small…
Yeah, that’s him, what a waste.

I haven’t had sex in like a month, I need to get laid.
Oh wait, haha, nevermind, I’m a dumbass.
Is it bad that I forgot about last weekend?
No, it wasn’t good anyways.
Oh shit there he is…
“Hey, how’s it going…”
God that was awkward.
Note: never to come to the cafeteria at this time again.
Hey, do you actually save those mental notes anyway?
Then what the hell do you do with them?! Whatever.
There's that guy I used to hook up with.
I was so drunk the last time we hooked up.
I drink too much.
Hmm, a glass of wine would be delish right now.

I should go check my mailbox.
YES, two letters.
I would like to inform you that you have an academic referral…
Fuck my fucking English fucking teacher that whore.
A letter from Grandma…twenty bucks!
Yes! I’m on top of the world!
Hmm, okay one pack of cigarettes…
I wonder if guys think smoking is gross.
It’s hot in Europe.
I’m a hot Euro chick.
There’s that hot guy…
Okay lemme pretend to keep reading this letter.
Blah blah blah, yeah that’s right, look over here bitch…
I need to shower.

I don’t feel like shaving.
Europeans don’t shave.
I’m a hot Euro chick…
No that’s gross.
Shaving sucks, shaving sucks.
Done and done.
If I don’t have sex tonight it was a waste to shave.
If worse comes to worse I’ll just call what’s him name.
Wait…what IS his name?
Paul, Jack, John…
John, Jacob jingle himer schmidt, his name is MY name too.
Wow, blast from the past.
Raffi was the shit…I went to a Raffi concert once.
Note: do not tell anyone that.
Please at least save that one.
I need a drink.

Sweet, there’s beer in the fridge
I’m such a college girl.
Ahh, a beer at 4 in the afternoon.
I’m so cool.
No one IMed me while I was in class?
Oh I got signed off, that explains it…
I wonder if I have any email.
I’ll wait 'til tomorrow to check, then I’ll definitely have some.

I’m in the mood to go out tonight.
That’s just cause you're buzzed off of that beer.
Am I really buzzed off of one beer?
God damn, I’m a one beer queer.
I have to write a paper tonight.
Yeeaah, no.
Johnny Depp is so hot.
He has a girlfriend.
Fuck her.

Alright, I’m going to look good at dinner tonight.
I have NO clothes.
Actually I have no quarters.
Fuck paying for laundry.
This is bullshit.
I want a cigarette, wow I haven’t smoked one all day.
I wonder if I will get in trouble for smoking one out of my window…
Fuck my head resident…she’s a little whore.
I bet she takes it up the ass.
I would never take it up the ass.
Well, except maybe with my husband.
Thinking a little far ahead aren’t we?
I need to stop talking to myself…

Continue to “The Mind of a Single Guy” »
Continue to “The Mind of a Single Guy, Part 2” »