Alright, folks. Listen up. We know you think we’re small. We get it. And you know what? It’s true. We are a tiny state. We are so small, we fit inside Yellowstone 482 times. Texas would eat us for first breakfast if we ever ventured that far southwest. We’re barely larger than the Mall of America.

We know that, as the least large state in the country, we are often the butt of many jokes. We get it. We’re so small our name doesn’t fit in our outline on the map! It’s funny! Ha ha!

Well, we have had it up to HERE with the jokes. We are not a measuring stick. We are a lovely state with a coastline so tantalizing, our governor had a pissing match with Anthony Cuomo telling his city-slickers to stay the fuck out and keep their Covid to themselves.

We would like to respectfully request that you start treating us like the grown-up state we are. We bring you Nerf guns and Hasbro toys and have contributed so much to history! We are beautiful! We are proud! We are quirky and delightful!

We must admit, we do enjoy being the thing, whether it’s the smallest state or having the longest name (we know—we’re working on it) or being the first in war and the last in peace. But to be honest, it’s getting a little old. We feel like it’s high tide we demand a little more respect around here. And for the last time, no, we are not actually an island.

Hey, HEY! Listen up, Mississippi! No one can even spell you!

We’re serious. We are sick of sitting at the kids’ table with Delaware, which really gets a kick out of being four square feet bigger, and Wyoming, which somehow wields just as much political power even though we have twice as many people, and North Dakota, which half the country isn’t even sure really exists.

HEY. WE MEAN IT, NEW YORK. PAY ATTENTION.

That’s a nice park you got there, New York. Be a shame, if something were to happen to it. Don’t make us send Providence down there. We’ll do it.

As we were saying. The Great State of Rhode Island and Providence—you know—would like to ask that, henceforth, you treat us with a bit more dignity. To aid in this transition, which we know will be a particular challenge for the Masshole currently making a ruckus in the back of the room, we have provided a handy guide to assist you with finding some new language.

For example, instead of using our beautiful home as a measuring stick for natural disasters, you could simply leave us out of it and instead get off your lazy asses and find out how many square miles of damage that tornado actually did.

Instead of saying, “In spite of its small size,” you could use far more interesting things we’ve overcome, like the worst unemployment rates in the Great Recession or our never-ending battle with the homegrown mafia who’ve managed to infiltrate every level of our state government.

Instead of calling us “fun-sized,” or “tiny,” or “postage-stamp-sized,” or “adorable,” you could call us a “state.”

And when all else fails, and you simply cannot think of a non-size-related way to bring up Rhode Island in conversation or your decades-late review of Dumb and Dumber, you can simply refer to us as “Rhode Island.” Truly, it won’t hurt our feelings to be so simple. In fact, it would delight us.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

And hey, while we’re here, just one more thing—New Hampshire, we all know you’re the “Live Free or Die!” state. But “or” is the keyword there. You gotta pick one, OK? Live free or die.

Mask up, you morons.


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