So, you like, can’t see any colors?
I can see all of them.

No, but you see in black and white, like an old TV?
That’s monochromacy, which is extremely rare.

So everything is just gray then?
No, I can see all colors, it’s just–

Then why is it called color blindness?
It isn’t, really. It’s actually called “color vision deficiency” and it just means having a decreased ability to distinguish–

Can you see this?
Yes, of course.

What is it?
A banana.

No, I mean, like, what color is it?
Yellow.

That’s too easy. You probably just memorized that. Here, what color is the label on this bottle?
Blue.

Sort of, but it’s like, more green than blue.
So… aqua?

Nah, I’d say it’s more like cyan. That must be one of the colors you can’t see.
No, I can see it, it’s just that different shades of blue, green, and red can be hard to tell apart, like the way purple can sometimes–

Right, right. So, you can’t see cyan or purple or whatever. Got it. Hey, what color is that car outside—cyan or aqua or teal?
What’s the difference?

Well, you’d know if you could see colors.
I can tell it's a greenish blue, or maybe a bluish green. Teal?

Nope. It’s totally turquoise. Gotcha.
Ok, I’ll take your word for it.

Ah, how about this: what’s the Miles Davis album that starts with “So What?”
Kind of Blue?

What’s the name of the chemical the U.S. military sprayed all over Vietnam during the war?
Agent Orange.

Hmm. That’s interesting. How come you can see those colors?
Those are words. I know what words are and how they function.

Ok, sure, but if you can see color words, why can’t you see color colors, you know what I’m saying?
I don’t know. I’m not Oliver Sacks.

Oh, can he not see color words either? Man, that’s crazy.
No, he was a neurologist who–

How do you know what to do at a stop light?
I can easily see those colors—they’re really bright and bold—but I also know which is which by the position of the light.

Ah, so you do have to memorize things you can’t see—like the banana.
…Yes. You got me. I thought I could trick you, but I failed. The only thing I can actually see is the raining code from The Matrix.

Can you see in the dark?
Not at all. Everything gets washed out and grainy like a daguerreotype. Sometimes ghosts follow me home and wail about their unfinished business.

So you’re one of those people who actually can’t see race? That’s awesome.
Ok, well, I just finished my drink and should probably tell Brad and Christine thanks for the invite before I head out. Enjoy the rest of the party. Happy St. Patty’s Day.

Hey, Brad! Christine! Did you know this guy’s colorblind?
Oh, they do. They learned all about it an hour ago when Christine’s brother got in my face because I didn’t realize he dyed the beer green.

So you can’t see brown and green either?
Goodbye.


MORE LIKE THIS