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Just because someone had a tough childhood doesn't mean they can't go on to hold a sign at a gas station and do a stellar job watching your kids. Right?
My parents' top priority wasn't a clean room or fresh air, but fire safety. This is why I had a 15-foot fire ladder in my second-floor bedroom.
If I push hard enough, will this pen go into my brain? Will the Secret Service stop me? There's no way I'm leaving alive; I've seen too much.
Sure, everyone knows Dracula is technically a mass murdering undead monster, but still, you don't want to be a jerk when blowing him off.
Spending $2,000 on an exercise bike you weren't equipped to handle is definitely your heart's heaviest baggage, but YOU CAN'T LET THEM KNOW THAT!
Will Marcus and Athena find a home to grow into, or will you spend the whole episode oscillating between rage, jealousy, and attraction to Athena?
Your high school guidance counselor forgot to tell you that you are not special. Actually, you ARE special, but in all the wrong ways.
It should have been easy—they're basically small, furry cows devoid of complex needs or even souls. What I could not foresee was rebellion.
Cotton Eye Joe killed my fiancé, and I tried to warn you about him by weaving the truth of his existence into the lyrics of a popular dance song.
The Super Bowl is on the horizon, or so you've been told, and it seems to have importance. Should you sit through this tradition?
Throwaways like "Things are cray!" and "It's such a busy time of year!" don't mean anything if you don't have the unavailability to back it up.
Prepare to drink an entire gallon of gas, run around a race track 50 times screaming "KA-CHOW!" and resist transforming into a car.