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Mr. Jensen has not won eight gold medals in curling. In fact, it’s unclear whether or not Mr. Jensen has even seen curling before.
I just thought it would be fun to spice things up this time—literally in the case of that ominously bubbling aluminum tray at the end of the row!
“Thanks for taking the time to meet.” Alright, I see. I took the time to meet. I did you a favor, huh.
Wow, coral, fish, AND crabs—sounds biodiverse as hell. Whatcha gonna call it? The… “sunlight zone”?
We are especially pleased to announce that one of our program participants was named one of “30 Under 30 Feet of Water.” (Best of luck, Bubbles!)
We dispatch a man with a plastic bag (full of loose Arizona iced teas) to stare at her so hard she gets the dry sweats.
If your therapist asks you whether Jason is your father, calmly explain that he’s your college friend’s old roommate.
Judicial combat is a seminal moment and, with a record of 22-0 (humans) and 1-1 (trumpeter swan, with rematch), you’ve come to the right person for advice!
That’s when Cookie Monster start to wonder, who real monster…
I come downstairs and kiss my wife, Taylor Swift, and ruffle the hair of my son, Taylor Swift.
My metaphysical hands are tied. It’s up to the collective hearts and minds of all that have been, that are, and that have yet to be.
John feels that trick questions on standardized tests are A) Necessary, B) Vexing, C) Forgromulent, or D) A word we made up just to trick John?