I originally started this with "The thing about pissing in a public place is…" but that leaves practically no dramatic build and everyone knows you don't reveal the penis until the end of Act 1. I would have shot the proverbial load on the first sentence. But I guess now I actually still am. Regardless, I saw a homeless man's penis and this is the story.

I was in downtown Chicago, on Monroe and State at noon. This is pertinent information to the story because if you are familiar with downtown Chicago at lunch you know what this is like. 25,000 people all hungry and freezing cold trying to move as quickly as they can to the next warm place. So I found my warm place in the McDonald's on Monroe.

Before I go any further, I feel I must defend my choice of McDonald's.

If a person reveals their genitals in a public place, they probably make less than $50,000 a year.It was cold outside. I needed a place to work with free wi-fi and I have a preternatural lust for shitty food. That's why.

The McDonald's on Monroe is interesting because it's a stand-alone glass structure in between skyscrapers. It's almost like a display in a history museum. "And kids, if we look to our left into the primate house we see human beings trying to kill themselves with oil and animal parts."

But once again, it was cold, so I bought a coffee and chicken nuggets and plopped myself down at one of the lonely-people-counter-top seats that line the inner perimeter of the McDonald's so that I might work distraction free for an hour or so. And that's when I saw the homeless man's penis.

A man walking in front of the glass McDonald's, turns, unzips his pants, and begins pissing on the building about two feet from me.

To clarify, in the name of honest reporting, he may not have been homeless. For all I know he could have been the CFO of JP Morgan. I just assumed because of the beard, the filth, and the whole penis thing—I guess that was presumptuous of me. A good rule of thumb in determining socioeconomic status is if a person reveals their genitals in a public place, they probably make less than $50,000 a year…well I mean, unless it's Britney Spears or Tara Reid.

As I sat there and watched him urinate, eating my chicken nuggets, I wondered what his thought process was. I mean usually, when you turn to pee on something, it's to evade the leering of onlookers who might want a free show. However, this is null and void when your shielding mechanism is a crowded glass building. Did he calculate the number of people that would see his penis if he were to just start pissing directly into traffic and came to the conclusion that 100 people eating was a more acceptable figure than 1000 people driving? There were safety issues to consider so maybe he thought he'd err on the side of caution.

I think more than likely he was thinking, "These people are eating McDonald's, how much more grossed out could they be if they saw a homeless penis?" and the answer was "Not very much," because almost no one seemed at all interested in the show going on behind the glass. This made me sad because there I was, finally, with front row seats to The Crazy Guy and no one showed up! You always hear about homeless guys pooping or growling or talking gibberish, and you wish you could have seen it, and there I was and no one was buying tickets.

Then the gentleman shook his penis—God forbid any urine droplets dirty his shit-covered jeans—and walked away.

I sighed and finished my nuggets.

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