Skulls, pumpkins, dressing up like other people, hoarding candy like you're an unsupervised eight-year-old—all exciting aspects of Halloween. It makes sense that people like it. I certainly don't mind buying 17 bags of chocolate and eating 16 of them before any trick-or-treaters show up, but really, these things have nothing to do with my excitement. I'm looking forward to Halloween because that's when boob sweat makes its annual migration toward those hapless people in the southern hemisphere.

Meanwhile, up north in October, as women line costume shops or search the internet for the perfect sexy pirate, flirty toaster, or voluptuous Microsoft paper clip costume, I appreciate their inventiveness. They also look gorgeous. Despite that, I do wonder why they're not taking advantage of the fall temperatures by wearing the most clothes they possibly can. Haven't we spent the entire summer wearing as little as possible, not to be sexy, but because the sun has been actively trying to murder us? Before October, haven't we had our fill of flirty Marilyn Monroe moments over AC vents at stores that have told us we can no longer go there?

Me, I've already planned my costume: Sasquatch Borland. Yeah, that's a combination of a hairy mountain ape and the flannel-loving sidekick of Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor. Just think, all those layers, and not a single trickle of sweat ruining your shirt, like what happens in August when you're doing nothing other than getting a little too excited while watching March of the Penguins.

Speaking of movies, watching a bunch of scary movies is a big October pastime. I'll join in when the time comes, but it's not so much the movies that get me on board. What I enjoy is the blanket I get to use while we watch. A blanket! Just two months prior, that's an oppressive extra layer forced onto us by Costco, who somehow make it impossible not to buy 13 blankets. Now, we can buy a 14th blanket from Costco, possibly even a heated one, and actually be comfortable!

What's that we feel while wrapped in all these blankets? A chill going down our spine as we watch Jennifer Love Hewitt ask what the fisherman is waiting for? I know what I'm waiting for: more chills so I'll need some extra socks.

You'll need those warm socks for pumpkin picking in the crisp air. Do I like eating pumpkins? Not particularly. Do I enjoy hauling heavy gourds around? I make it a point to always skip arm day, so no. Is it about making jack-o-lanterns? I mean, that's an awful lot of carving for something that I'll have to pretend was actually made by a seven-year-old.

No, I just like pumpkin picking because I can be outside without being personally victimized by the sun. It may be foggy. It may be cloudy, but even if it isn't, that diabolical orb of fire has no power outside of its three-month reign of terror. It can only watch from an increased distance in disgust as we enjoy time in the great outdoors without slathering sunscreen on, cowering in fear under huge hats, and hoping our light-colored clothing makes it less obvious that our outfit is now 87% sweat. Take that, sun! Once spooky season arrives, we can avoid glistening entirely, provided we find someone else to haul the gourd.

I won't need someone to haul all the candy I buy. Though I will eat most of it on my own, I'll make sure to save some for trick-or-treaters. Is it because I think they're super cute in their inventive costumes? I mean, sure. Is it fun socializing with the neighbors? Well, it has to be done sometimes. Does it bring me back to my own childhood costumed days? Maybe a little bit, but that was in the '90s when Pinterest didn't give amazing ideas, so I mostly just wore my brother's clothes and said I was a butthead. The main reason I like passing out candy is because I get to open the door and bring more cold air inside. I'm not sure why my dad was on a crusade to keep all the warmer air in.

Maybe I'll just put that screen door in the front. To look more inviting to the revelers? No, so I can put a box fan in front of it and get more cool air inside.

With Halloween just about two months away now, I fully support anyone ready to start decorating in August. You bring the holiday spirit. I'll bring the pumpkin-themed Snuggies and 15th blanket I will have bought from Costco.


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