It’s difficult to believe that we elected our current God just four million years ago. In the millennia since He took office, He has corrupted every fiber of the space-time continuum and tried as hard as He can to destroy the celestial Left. I am standing here, on this fluffy cloud under golden sunbeams, to say that it is time for a change. Our current God may have attempted to minimize the Left’s impact during His tenure ruling the universe, but He failed to achieve that goal. The galactic Left is still here, and we’re stronger than ever!

I am so, so excited to be with you all today. Looking out into this sea of immortal faces, I am hopeful that our future is as bright as the glittering harp I often play as souls enter heaven. It is with immense gratitude and determination that I declare my candidacy to be your next God, Creator and Ruler of All Things. Our universe needs a leader who will fight for you, and I am confident I will be that leader.

My experience serving as a representative from the Third Circle of Hell more than qualifies me for the role. I did not give up on any of the lost souls that found themselves wandering my district’s eternal flames. Instead, I listened to the needs of my sinful constituents and succeeded in working with representatives from across the River Styx to lower the price of groceries and to remove hot coals from our streets. I saw how policy gets made from the fiery ground, and I’ll make sure that not even the most damned soul is left to fend for themself among the Underworld’s evil, torturous demons.

The journey that led me here was not an easy one. I grew up in a single-angel household, my haloed mother instilling into me the values of hard work, empathy, and fairness. My mother worked delivering commandments and prayers, donning her uniform of long, flowing white robes with pride. She eventually saved enough money for me to attend the interstellar university of my choosing, where I learned the value of an accessible education in which every child has access to mystical scrolls and divine truth. As a young spirit-being, I saw worlds that were broken, but I did not see a single world that couldn’t be repaired.

Universe, I believe in hope. I believe in freedom. I believe that every organism should, and can, have the opportunity to live the life they choose, not just the life they were given. I owe everything to my mother, who raised me to be a strong-willed phantasm. I miss her every day, and I thank her for everything.

As your God, I promise to make healthcare affordable throughout the universe. I promise to spearhead initiatives to improve cosmic education access and level the playing field across wormholes. I promise to ensure that nobody is excluded from the Kingdom of Heaven and rid ourselves of the gates that have shut out the working class for so long. Your current God has chosen Himself over all of you, recklessly spending your taxpayer dollars to make His sky-castle taller and more lavish. Should you elect me, I will serve you faithfully, dedicating every bone in my ethereal body toward you. Unlike my opponent, I am running for God on a platform of hope. He is running for Himself. I am running for you.

I believe in the sanctity of holy democracy. As your next all-encompassing deity, I will restore that sanctity. I thank you for listening. May I bless you, and may I bless the Universe.