I wish I was funny. I wish I could write something so earth-shatteringly hilarious that an AIDS-ridden Darfurian rape victim would bust their gut. From laughing, not from AIDS. God, that would be so sweet.

One time, when I was in first grade, I got beat up by a third grader on the playground. That would never have happened if I were funny. The third grader would have been too busy giggling like an overweight, middle-aged woman eating Ben and Jerry's while watching Sex and the City to punch me in the shoulder. Too bad I'm not funny. He made me cry.

I wrote a joke one time. This kid named Andy said it wasn't funny though. Actually, looking back, Andy was kind of a dick. Wanna hear my joke? OK, here goes:

I moved to Cairo in 1983 with 500 dollars, a van, and a plan to give guided tours. I called it, a pyramid scheme.

I suppose it's really more of a pun than a joke. Too bad it's not funny.

I would have so many friends if I were funny. Everyone would be all like, "I wish I were hanging out with Jeff Beck right now instead of all these shitty people. Jeff Beck is so funny."  They would call me by first and last name whenever they talked about me, because I would be too funny to risk having someone confuse me with any other Jeff.

Yeah, that would be pretty great. Eventually girls would realize that they liked hanging around me so much, they would start wanting me to hang out inside them. I, being funny, would oblige hilariously. Is funny sex good sex? I don't know, that's a topic for one of the sex writers to cover. I'm not funny or sexy, so I never have sex, nor make people laugh, let alone both simultaneously.

I'd rather be funny than poor. If you're poor, you have to clip coupons and watch UPN. If you're funny, you get to hang out with celebrities and drink booze. Booze is sweet. I wish I was funny enough to get all hooched up off mint schnapps and hang out with Ricardo Montalban. A young Ricardo Montalban, from Rookie of the Year. He played the kid who broke his arm and then got molested by Gary Busey. Man, if I were funny I'd be all up in that shit.

I guess I'm not funny though. I'm just going to keep hoping I get hit in the head by a penny dropped off a skyscraper and it sends me into a coma, from which I wake up in 18 days, a new, hilarious man.


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