Hey sweetheart, how are you? How is everything? Aww, I love you so much! I'm so ready to start our life together! You are the light of my life, my sunshine. I don't know what I'd do without you, baby. You are my reason to live, my everything.

I promise, honey, I will NEVER, ever, ne'er, ever, ever ever ever sleep with your mother, get a handjob from your mother, go down on your mother, or any other sexual escapades that would bring me and your mom closer both sexually and emotionally, building a solid foundation and parental approval for our new relationship.

Never.

What put the thought into your head?

Oh, I first put the idea into your brain tubes just now? You're saying the thought never entered your head before??

Oh.

Well I put the idea in your head, now I'm going to take it out. I will never even think about giving your mom a Dirty Sanchez.

When your mom bends over, I will look away as soon as possible, usually within a few seconds (but not too fast thatI give people the impression I'm trying not to look, or that I'm disgusted).

Now I'll be the first to admit that yes, I do have a monthly subscription to MILFHunter, SeducedbyaCougar.com, RealWifeStories.com… the list goes on, just like my love for you, princess. And the only reason I bought the $29.95-each memberships was because I thought American Pie was super funny, and I figured these sites would just be more MILF jokes and stuff.

True, I didn't cancel the memberships yet….Just, look – this isn't about me, okay? This is about your mother, and me not having sex with her in an ecstasy-filled romp.

I sometimes think about how since your father's gone, she has no one to pleasure her anymore, or anyone to snuggle with, or anyone to tell her she looks good when she does (which is usually all the time), or anyone to rub her shoulders when she's sore, or just when she's had a long day and needs to relax, or anyone to take a naked bubble bath with her.

Damn it! Just once let me screw your mom! Would that be soooo bad? I would be doing her, your dead dad, and God in Heaven a favor if I made sweet love to your mom. I would treat her so right, I swear.

Sometimes it seems she has less wrinkles than you, you know? I'm sorry, I didn't mean that as an insult, it's just interesting and ironic, you know? Like how she could be less fat than you and stuff? Don't you find that like, opposite? Maybe Darwin was wrong! Haha.

Sorry, I got a little off track there with the science. Let's get back to your mom.

Here's how it would go down. Keep in mind this is a work in progress, as I'm always looking for perfect ways to get your mom so wet you'll think her water broke.

I would come over to the house, softly knocking on the door. She would know it's me from the special knock we have for each other.

She would open the door slowly, light pouring onto her beautiful face as she opens it. I would greet her with a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates. I would make her throw away the chocolates because I don't want her to get fat (don't you like chocolates?), and because it was a symbolic gesture more than anything. Plus, she hasn't lost the baby fat since she had your little sister, who I also plan to bang (once she turns 14).

I would also bring over a big bottle of wine and a medium bottle of roofies, so we are GOOD. TO. GO.

She's wearing that one sexy, partly see-through black dress that she only wears for really special events, and one of your thongs. Her hair is freshly curled, and she's wearing a healthy amount of make-up.

I give her a long, slow, passionate kiss, then put my hand on top of her head and push it down towards my crotch, then let her go and say "just kidding, how are you?"

We can't keep our hands off of each other, but we have to get drunk first. She goes and pours two glasses of wine. I light the candles that she laid out. She puts on some soft music, but I turn it off because it's gay.

We keep pouring glasses of wine. We're both becoming looser. I slow down my drinking so that I'll still be able to get it up, but I tell her to keep going.

She can barely stand up anymore. I start to hold her up as she leans on me, falling into my arms.

We both know what's going to happen. A good kind of tension starts to build, a sexual tension and anxiousness that rises and rises. It's like the night before Christmas, when you can't sleep, when you can't focus or think about anything else but getting those presents.

Her eyes are sparkling as she looks at me, and we stare deep into each other's eyes for a long time until we both burst out laughing. She falls into my arms again and we both stop laughing. I lead her into her bedroom. She jumps softly backwards onto her bed and throws her arms over her head, staring over at me eagerly. She is young again. For a moment she has the grace, eagerness, and excitement of a young girl. She closes her eyes and waits for me to come over and warm her. I stand at the doorway, magnetized by her beautiful body falling out of her dress.

I run over and jump into her fluffy white sheets and we both start taking each other's clothes off. She leaves her earrings in. I slowly pull her dress down, uncovering her golden, soft skin. Her bra falls off. She slowly takes off her panties.

AND THEN I BANG YOUR FUCKING MOM.

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