I don’t know why there isn’t a mountain named after me, or at least a gear store. Or a type of carabiner. I'll even take a small town or other census designated place. I’ve climbed more mountains than anybody I know, and I’ve done it faster too. People who haven’t seen me run up a mountain don’t believe me. Sometimes I go off trail and just run. Sorry to that chipmunk I trampled over but I have to bag all the peaks. That’s what we call ourselves in the culture, peakbaggers. My girlfriend hates that I’m always off bagging the most radical peaks, so I just ignore her. My GoPro is way cooler than her anyway.
But it's not like the culture means anything to me anyway, because it’s just all about climbing all the peaks. Culture might mean something to people living in the Scottish Highlands or the Swiss Alps, but not me. I don’t need any culture. All I need are my powerful toned legs and the ground beneath my top of the line, state of the art, low profile hiking shoes. Don’t think for a second that I don’t use hiking sandals too, I’m absolutely all about hiking sandals in the summer. Hiking sandals and awesome burritos from the awesome burrito place me and my trail running friends all go to. My girlfriend doesn’t like burritos so I just ignore her. I use my GoPro to film myself eating bomb burritos.
The guy who owns the awesome burrito shop is also a climber so he gets it; he gets why I have to ignore my girlfriend too. I’m better than him though. I’m better than most, no—I’m so sick of being modest, I am the best at running up mountains ever. Why? If you wonder why than you just don’t get me. My girlfriend doesn’t get me so I just ignore her. I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done. Everything I’ve ever done has been filmed with my awesome GoPro.
When I get to the peak I don’t care about the view or whatever. It’s all about the high. It’s about me and what I do. People who enjoy the views just slow me down, so when I hit the peak I shove them out of the way. Or hurl my Nalgene bottle at them. I can throw Nalgene bottles better than anyone else. I can throw Nalgene bottles better than my girlfriend. She knows it too because I showed her the GoPro video of me throwing my Nalgene bottle.
Anyway, I started a GoFundMe to change the name of Mount Everest to Mount Peakbagger Tim. That’s what they call me, Peakbagger Tim. I know you will all donate to help me get Mount Everest changed to what it should be named (Mount Peakbagger Tim), because I know I can run up Mount Everest faster than anyone has ever done before, and I can do it in my hiking sandals.
Donate $5,000 or more and I’ll send you a video of me free climbing the side of an abandoned hospital. I’m into urban free-running too. Make sure you watch and like all my YouTube videos so I can tell my girlfriend that everything I do is really important. She doesn't get it—she definitely just doesn't get what I do, but with your help we can all teach my girlfriend that I am a totally rad and perfect being and that Mount Everest needs to be renamed to honor me.