By staff writer Paul Frank
Unless youâve been living under the Rock, you know that college has started again. College, where you brush your teeth in the same sink someone just shaved their pubes into.
Thus, I present an unofficial list of the types of roommates you wish you hated. Not because you donât have the capacity in your heart for hate. Lord knows (and so do Mrs. Finklebottom and her now-dead dog) that you have the capacity for hate. Rather, the reason you wish you hated these roommates is because they donât exist. You canât hate what doesnât exist. Anyway, before this turns into a horrible philosophy class, letâs get on with the list.
The Druggie Roommate Who Wants You to Do His Drugs |
âDude, you should try ecstasy. It totally opens your mind. Literally. It creates holes in your brain.â
âNo.â
âIâve heard that before.â
The Roommate Who Really Likes Floppy Disks |
âHey, can I borrow a floppy disk?â
âA floppy whaâ âŠoh, I donât have any.â
(cracks up) âYou donât have any floppy disks.â
âNeither do you, apparently.â
(ignores what you just said, goes out into the hallway and yells) âTHIS DOUCHE DOESNâT HAVE ANY FLOPPY DISKS! HELLOâŠITâS 2007! GET WITH IT!â
(comes back inside dorm room) âSeriously, dude, let me borrow a floppy disk. I use them at such an enormous pace that I always run out.â
âMaybe you run out âcause they can only hold like a megabyte.â
âYeah. A fucking MEGAbyte.â
âA megabyte is nothing.â
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âTHIS GUY JUST SAID A MEGABYTE IS NOTHING!â
âPlease stop yelling stuff. You look like an idiot.â
âI may be an idiot but at least Iâm not stupid. I know you have some around here somewhere. You have to!â (starts going through your stuff)
âDude, get out of my shit. Stay in your side of the room.â
âYou sound just like what society says to my dad. Stay in your cell. You still have 43 years to life left.
The Roommate Who Masturbates to Photos of Your Family |
âJust so you know, Iâm going home this weekend and taking home all my pictures.â
âPlease donât.â
âKill yourself.â
The Roommate Who Has Extremely Weird Cell Phone Conversations |
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âWhat? Your brother killed himself because they chose Drew Carey as the replacement host for The Price is Right? Well, I would kill myself, too, if I only had a gun. Well, thatâs cool, though, âcause you and your brother fought sometimes over stuff, right? So now heâs like, dead, so itâs all good. Oh, my condolences.â
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âYou ordered a Hitler costume and all they sent you was a Hitler mustache? Well, that makes sense, I guess. But what a rip-off for $99.99!â
- âMy mom always said sarcasm never solved anything. Boy was she depressed when they found out sarcasm was the cure for cancer. Actually, it cured her cancer, so she was also not depressed. Itâs kind of a bittersweet cure, I guess.â
The Roommate Who's a Robot But Tries to Fit In |
âSTART Oh boy gee, that toilet paper they have here is brutal, yes?! ENDâ
âRobots donât wipe, rohomo.â
The Roommate Who Poses as a Hobo |
âHey, you got any spare change, brother?â
âWhat?â
âI just need some food man, I donât got a place to stay.â
âYou live here. Here in this dorm. And you have a fucking job.â
âIs that a no? Gosh bless.â
The Roommate Who Tries to Eat Your Food But You Don't Have Any |
âInstead of chewing my stuff, could you not chew my stuff? I saw those chew marks on my iPhone. Thatâs not food, Brohannah.â
âYeah, sorry, I thought it was a delicious dark chocolate bar.â
The Roommate Who Doesnât Give a FUCK About Darfur |
âShit, man, you know what I was thinking today?â
âNo.â
âMotherfuck Darfur, dude. Always asking for our help and donations and to save them and shit. Fuck that. NoâŠFUCK THAT. FUCK DARFUR. You can quote me on that. Are you writing this down? Oh, youâre writing a paper for English. Put this as your attention getter: âDear Darfur â Fuck you, fuck your country, and fuck you. Talk about suffering â I suffer more than you third-rate, wannabe scumbags. I live on no money, no food, and I havenât showered in four weeks. Yeah, pretty sure I have it way worse. So, suck it. In conclusion, stop begging America for your money and start kissing my balls.â
The Roommate Who is a Homophobe's Stereotype |
âNice to meet you too, letâs compare penis sizes now! Shall we? What do you mean no? Come on, I insist! Are you scared mine is bigger, hetero? Letâs synch up our shower schedules! When are you planning on taking one? Should I pencil dick you in for a 3 oâclock?â