WARNING: This article is not based on research, and is poorly written. It lacks thematic unity, it contains no significant content, and it offers contradictory advice. It reveals that the writer not only has a crippled personality and an alcohol problem, but that he is also extremely bad with women. In addition to this, it contains references to penis-holes, boogers, and fucking. Reading this article while sober may result in stomachaches, unpredictable diarrhea, belligerent narcissism, explosive vomiting, random outbursts of truculent behavior, mental retardation, appreciation for mainstream music, and demonic possession.


Nice guy holding roses

Being a "nice guy" is very difficult. I should know because I am a nice guy. Nice guys face a lot of loneliness, rejection, heartbreak, misunderstanding, and cruelty as they try to navigate their way through life. Nice guys are usually very idealistic and naïve, which puts them at a disadvantage in a world that seems obsessed with competition, beauty, perfection, and the idea that we always have to attain the best of the best.

Nice guys just need a little bit of encouragement to let them know that everything is going to be OK despite all the frustration they go through. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to offer that friendly hand of support. I have designed the following 10 guidelines to offer comfort, hope, and advice to all the "nice guys" who are struggling out there.

1. Your girlfriend is going to leave you.

If you are a nice guy, then you are probably treating your girlfriend with lots of respect, in addition to providing warmth, love, comfort, affection, and emotional support. You are an accommodating person who is willing to do anything for her, which is why you are eventually going to hear these words: "I feel confused right now, and I need some time to think."

When a woman says, "I feel confused right now, and I need some time to think," what she actually means is:

"I'm fucking somebody else right now. Somebody more attractive and better in the sack than you. He has more money than you, as well as a faster car and a bigger penis. In fact, you are the last thing on my mind every time I happily bounce up and down on his dick. I would stay with you, but my vagina gives me special powers when it comes to manipulating and controlling men in order to get what I want. It is the most trusted credit card I use whenever I go shopping for male victims. I'm sorry I fucked up your life and completely shattered your heart. Oh well, life goes on. Goodbye."

2. Be creative and original when choosing how to kill yourself.

Don't slice your wrists open with a soup-can lid or a shard from one of your broken beer bottles. Go out with more style. Smoke 3-4 packs of cigarettes every day and drink about 18-20 beers every night. In addition to this, exercise vigorously as often as you possibly can. Go jogging when it is extremely hot and humid outside, and lift weights in the gym like you are Arnold Schwarzenegger. Keep this pattern up for a while, and I guarantee you will get some results. You will be doing bicep curls one day, and your heart will explode right out of your chest. The people around you will enjoy quite a "work-out" as they are hauling your dead body out of the weight-room.

3. If you decide not to kill yourself…then try to find another girlfriend by using common forms of technology, such as chatting and text messaging. Just remember that some people have a habit of laughing constantly and uneasily during social circumstances because they feel unsure about themselves and have the need to be liked by everybody around them.

Todd: Hi, Sarah. It's nice to be able to chat with you again. Hahaha

Sarah: Hi, Todd. It's good to hear from you, too. What are you up to? Hahaha

Todd: Oh, not much. Just cleaning my apartment. Hahaha. How about you?

Sarah: Hahaha. Nothing too important. I'm just watching old movies with my roommate, Tiffany. Hahaha

Todd: Hahaha. That sounds like fun. Maybe we should see a movie together sometime. Hahaha

Sarah: Yeah, that would be cool. Hahaha. You must be really lonely these days…especially after what your girlfriend did to you. Gosh, that must have been so devastating. Hahaha

Todd: Yeah, it hurt really bad. Hahaha. But, I enjoy talking to you. I feel like a human being again. Going to a movie with you would make me so happy. I am really excited just thinking about it. In fact, I'm so excited that I have a rather large and throbbing boner right now. Hahaha

Sarah: Todd. You seem like a really nice guy and everything, but what you just said has made me feel very uneasy and rather upset. I'm not sure if I feel comfortable talking to you anymore. I think we are going to have to break off this friendship. Please don't send me any more messages. Hahaha

Todd: Hahaha

Sarah: Hahaha

Todd: Hahaha

Sarah: Hahaha

Todd: Hahaha

Sarah: Hahaha

4. Avoid being set up by other people.

Nice guys are usually single because they have trouble finding someone to be with. All the attractive and socially well-adjusted individuals have already found a partner. Their relationships seem to form naturally and with a type of "ease" that you have probably never experienced before. This puts you at a disadvantage with your friends and all the people you know because they look at you and think, "Gosh, he seems so lonely. We need to help him find somebody." In other words, they are going to make it their mission to set you up with someone.

Being lonely is bad enough, but this is when things get even worse. This "special person" they have in mind for you is probably a behemoth, a psychopath who has dead bodies in her basement, or someone who has the social skills of a third grader. "She has a wonderful personality," they say. Yeah right, is that why she's so desperate and lonely?

Her nickname is probably "Sunshine"…and it's not because she's bright like the sun—it's because she is shaped like it. Meaning very round and very large.

She's large and in charge…and she's going to be in charge of YOU if you don't get the fuck away from your friends and acquaintances.

5. Start drinking more beer than you usually do.

Because you are a nice guy who is going to finish last and eventually lose the "game of life" anyway, it's OK for you to drink beer….LOTS OF IT! You've got nothing to lose, so don't bother with moderation.

I will use myself as an example. I don't drink beer in order to relax, have a good time, or enjoy the company of others. I drink beer so that I can go completely ape-shit and berserk.

When I crack open my first beer, I fully intend to keep going until I completely lose control of my thoughts and actions before I proceed to embarrass myself, make other people around me feel nervous and extremely uneasy, create massive amounts of irreversible social damage, urinate on property that doesn't belong to me, do something horrible that gets me on the front page of the newspaper, and then briefly reflect on all the horrific carnage I've created in one evening before happily falling into the arms of a cheap prostitute named "Mindy."

Just make sure you stay away from hard liquor. Hard liquor is bad for you.

6. Being with someone is better than being alone.

Imagine the girl of your dreams. She is gorgeous, intelligent, graceful, fun-loving, extremely adorable, and amazing in every way possible. She is simply breathtaking. Every time you look at her, your heart melts inside your chest. You want nothing more than to hold her in your arms in a tender and loving embrace that would bring tears to an Angel from Heaven.

Now imagine her moaning and screaming passionately with her legs in the air while the man of her dreams is fucking her. (The man of her dreams….who is NOT you, by the way.) As they blissfully fuck together in a bed of hot love and animalistic desire, you sit alone in a small, dark, blue room crying wretchedly while the song "She's Like the Wind" from Dirty Dancing plays on the radio. Tears of agony and horrible, excruciating pain roll down your face as you stare at all the empty beer bottles that currently decorate your floor. (Beer bottles that are just as empty as your life is…of course.)

Nice guys finish last. And because you are a "nice guy," this will most likely become a common scenario for you if you continue to engage in the foolish pursuit of true love. This may sound just a little bit depressing, but you always have to look at the bright side of things. The woman of your dreams doesn't want to be with you, and she's fucking somebody else. So what? Things could be worse. A lot worse.

You have to engage in some deep inner reflection at this point, and you have to ask yourself one very simple and basic question…"Is something being shoved into my penis-hole right now?"

If the answer to that question is "No"…then everything is OK and you have nothing to be sad or upset about.

And besides, this doesn't mean that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life. The attractive women you want to be with are all taken. But who is to say you can't go out there and find somebody who is desperate, unwanted, and lonely…and who would just love to grab your body and slobber all over you. Or better yet, you might even be able to find some angry, foul, half-crazed, narcissistic bitch who will probably hallucinate and go completely insane before cutting you into little pieces with a big knife after she drinks too much Everclear.

Whether it's somebody desperate and lonely…or somebody crazy… just imagine how great things could be if you just put aside your selfish need to be with someone you actually like. Just imagine this woman with her legs wrapped around you in a death grip. You can smell and taste her steamy, hot, rancid breath as she sticks her devilish tongue in your mouth and gives your sensations a ride they don't really need. She hungrily nibbles at your neck and ears before licking your nose…ever so happy that she finally found a man who will give her a baby.

And just when things couldn't get any better, she sneezes and blows a bunch of half-slimy, half-crusty, crescent-shaped boogers all over your face.

Being with someone is truly better than being alone.

7. After you finish puking, proceed to #8.

8. Now go back to #7. (Hahaha…just kidding. Fuck you!) Go to #9.

9. Nobody is ever going to really love you.

If you're a "nice guy," then searching for true love is kind of like trying to ride a bicycle to work through heavy traffic with an iron rod shoved up your ass. In other words, it's not going to work very well. Every movement you make is only going to cause further pain. Somebody is eventually going to get seriously hurt…AND IT'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE YOU!

10. When you get rejected by women, maybe it's not you…maybe it's them.

Don't take your rejections too hard. Sometimes people have a tendency to turn down things that they think are too good for them. Maybe they think they don't deserve something really great or maybe they are just overwhelmed by the prospect of having a relationship that is way better than the ones they had in the past.

I will use myself as an example. I am a nice guy who is single. I pretty much have to remain single because I can't find anybody who is willing…or even able…to accept just how impressive and magnificent I am. When women reject me, ignore me, or run away…it's NOT because I'm socially-awkward, psychologically and emotionally unbalanced, drunk, creepy, or obnoxious. It's also NOT because I'm a self-loathing, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, angry, hopeless, neurotic, self-medicating, iconoclastic nihilist with delusions of grandeur and a lethally-explosive temper…

It's because I'm too awesome. (I will use Superman and Louis Lane as an example. Superman and Louis Lane can't really be together because Superman is just too powerful.)

I handle it all fairly well. When members of the opposite sex turn me down, tell me that they already have a boyfriend, refuse to talk to me, or flat out say, "JESUS CHRIST, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE SUCH A DOORKNOB!"…I know that this is more of a self-defense mechanism on their part. They are being mean and cruel because they are trying to protect their fragile egos. Deep down, they know they are just not cool enough to be with a guy like me. I'm too much "Man" for them to handle.

I would like to continue writing this article, but unfortunately it must end here. My therapist is trying to call me for some reason.