It’s that little voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough, you aren’t funny, your best friends hate you, and your boyfriend of three years is only with you because he asked you out on a dare. We all have that voice, except of course for the people who are actually cool and normal. But you need to tune it out, or you will literally end up a sad little loser with low self-esteem because you’ve talked yourself into chronic depression.

Notice when you’re being self-critical

Usually, when you’re talking down to yourself, it’s indistinguishable from all your other thoughts, which are also negative because you absolutely suck at optimism. The next time you throw yourself a scathing insult, take a second to acknowledge that you’re being dumb, and doing that negative self-talk thing again.

The sooner you can recognize when you’re talking down to yourself, the sooner you can stop already, Jesus.

Remember that your thoughts and feelings aren’t real

There’s a reason they’re called “thoughts” and not “reals.” You’re literally delusional. The world you’ve created in your head could not be further from what’s really going on.

For example, that one time you convinced yourself that you could never ask your boss for a letter of rec because not only do you suck at your job, you can’t actually spell reccommend. In reality, you don’t need to spell that word because no one can, and they don’t expect you to either.

Also, they’re more focused on how bad you suck at your job.

Name the voice in your head

If you’re talking down to yourself, you’re bound to take it to heart because who knows you better than you? On the other hand, if Harold is talking down to you, literally how dare he. Who do you think you are Harold, and how are you as an elderly white man with a flip phone gonna tell me my left boob is more square than my right and that’s why I should never wear crop tops?

Ok, he makes a point, but you didn’t say that to yourself, Harold said it, and he sucks!

Say the thought out loud

As real as it sounds in your head, it’s bound to sound ridiculous out loud. Let’s practice. Repeat after me:

  • “I’m undeserving of love because I’m 5’2” in Los Angeles.”
  • “I will never be successful because my industry is oversaturated with depressed white women and I’m only on 15 mg of Lexapro.”
  • “I can’t write realistic dialogue because I’ve never spoken to a person.”
  • “My roommates hate me because I refuse to do my dishes.”
  • “I’m incapable of forming meaningful relationships because my past trauma leads me to pull away whenever I sense that someone is going to depend on me emotionally.”

See how crazy that sounds?! You’re crazy!

For every negative thought, tack on something encouraging

Now let’s revisit some of your thoughts above, but with something hopeful at the end:

  • “I’m undeserving of love because I’m 5’2” in Los Angeles, but I will probably still find it because straight men love to feel like they’re dating a little girl.”
  • “I will never be successful because my industry is oversaturated with depressed white women and I’m only on 15 mg of Lexapro, but I’m about to run out, so soon I’ll be unhinged and hilarious on Twitter.”
  • “I’m incapable of forming meaningful relationships because my past trauma leads me to pull away whenever I sense that someone is going to depend on me emotionally. But they were probably going to leave you anyway so that’s really a win for you!”

Hope this was helpful, you little sack of shit!


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