Sweetie, you’ll never guess who came to mahjong today. Heather Ossoff! Yes, you know, she used to be on the PTA with me when you were in middle school. She’s a very nice woman, and she’s kept in such good shape—I don’t know why we didn’t stay in touch. Well, she asked about you! I said you’re doing great, living at home with us for a little bit, but we’re having so much fun.

Well apparently, her son Jon just got elected to the Senate! Oh, you remember Jon, he was a senior when you were a freshman. I remember he gave a very nice speech at the open house night. Such a nice boy. And actually, you two were in camp together that one summer, and none of you liked him because he peed his pants and all the water in the pool turned blue? Do you remember that? Well, I always thought he was a very sweet boy. And I remember a lot of the other boys at the camp were very nasty to him, but you and your brother were nicer, and Heather told me at the time that meant a lot to both of them.

Well here’s the big news about Jon: Heather says that he’s single. Now, I know how you feel about your mother giving you tips, but honey: he has a lifetime salary and great health insurance. And he’s on that app you like. Tick tack. Plus, DC? Very glamorous. Like Scandal! Honey, you love Scandal. Oh wait that’s right. I love Scandal. Kerry Washington—Very pretty.

Yes, well Heather says that he won a Senate race against Shelly Perdue’s ex-husband David. Oh, you know David. He came to Secret Santa ten years ago and thought no one would notice that he didn’t bring a present.

What? You have a boyfriend? Oh, please, honey. You really think that I’m going to fall for that? You’ve been saying it for the last five years. Yeah, “Michael Michael Michael.” Well then why haven’t I met him yet? What’s he look like? That’s what I thought.

I’m just saying, what harm is there in just calling? Just give him a ring, and ask him if he’d like to have lunch. I’ve never met a man who’s too busy for a pretty girl. You know, when your father courted me, he showed up at my office every day until I agreed to go on a date with him. It was very romantic. You could drive up to DC and just knock on his office door. I can get the directions from his mother and write them out on an old map. What? Just pretend you got lost! What do you mean you can’t just walk into the capitol right now? What? Really? Oy vey.

Well look, if you don’t want to date him, that’s your business. But there are other reasons it could be good to reach out. Do I have to spell this out for you? You’re between jobs right now, and we LOVE having you here, but maybe you could ask Jon if the Senate is hiring! I think you might do well there. You’re a very good public speaker when you don’t get nervous. Do you remember in the fourth grade when you acted in Peter Pan? Yes yes! You played the dog! That was a very good first half. And honey, these Senate jobs are very sought after. I know David was committing all kinds of crimes trying to keep his! And if he can’t get you a job as a senator, maybe he could start you off on something a little more modest. You could be the guy who sorts Bernie Sanders' mail! Now there’s a mensch. And what a tookus too! I swear—that Jane Sanders is one lucky shiksa!

Sweetheart, the point is, nothing good is going to happen if you don’t put yourself out there! You have to take a chance—it’s just like Peter Pan! When you tried out for the lead role, you didn’t know what was going to happen! But you took the chance anyway. Jon sounds like he’s grown into a very decent young man, and on Facebook he looks very handsome. But you know what, what do I care! It’s fine! Ignore me, your poor mother. I don’t even want any grandchildren anyway. What would I even do with them? Burn the family tree to the ground! Great! You know what—I’m ashamed I even asked. Silly me for thinking you could fall in love with a nice young Jewish man, who also happens to be a Senator with his whole career in front of him.

Wait hold on, so you’re telling me you have no interest in dating him or in becoming a senator? Really? Well, okay then. No, it’s alright, it’s alright. There’s no use talking about it anymore anyway. Huh? Because I showed his mother your Facebook and you two are going on a virtual date tonight at six.

Please wear something nice.


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